Players Are Stupid

Aftermath is Hard

Borni Strabuckle, the bouncer in the Underdark Tavern, just today managed to bench 400 pounds – which is an amazing task. He shortly there after, tore his rotator cuff and regressed back to benching under 300 pounds.

Captain Morris used the large profits from escorting the stranded people seeking refuge to buy himself a much larger ship he named “The Titanic”. He knew his luck had changed as he set sail to the west with his secret lover and friend, Gnoll Stormhand.

Annabelle died a virgin and a frisky orc almost deflowered her rotting corpse; to his dismay he found that the attractive female was equipment with a penis and balls. In a fury, he left her to the bugs (overlooking the fact that her “manhood” was in fact a ruse to deter oncoming rapists). Thusly, she managed to keep her virtue throughout the afterlife, and this proved valuable somehow. Not having any family of her own, she was never missed by anyone… except the beggars guild who, to this day, has a sketch of her upon their wall of “murder on sight”. She was the only woman, let alone person, to ever get away with crossing the guild without paying the price of death. Her image gave hope to other beggars to eventually create a revolution which changed the guild into a reputable orphanage for lost souls like herself. This revolution was spear-headed by Malik. Annabelle was praised for her bravery and insight – two virtues she never possessed, but history has a funny way writing itself. Her greed ultimately was the reason for her end. What would have happened if she didn’t steal the coin from that dreadful fountain? Upon looting their corpses, I left the coin there for whatever unfortunate soul should come across it. As it so happens, the orc who would have loved to join in an intimate act of necrophilia with Annabelle took the coins. The orc later found himself face to face with a balrog who did all kinds of nasty things to the orc before devouring him. Devon was elated to have his enchanted fountain back, and the apocalypse business was booming more than ever! I sold Annabelle’s story to a prostitute who wanted a fresh start. I rewrote her name as Aria, as I didn’t want to interrupt the good acts being done in Annabelle’s name. A farmer found her corpse and, thinking it was a man, took it to the mad wizard in the woods for resurrection… for a price. The debt had to be paid back two-fold from Annabelle in the form of slave labor. He still thinks she is a he and calls her Andy.

It took many days but a small band of ex-mages managed to locate the person of their desire. “Tim the coward”, is what they referred to him as. Cavanaugh was quite unreliable when it came to burying his “buddy”. Upon retrieving Tim’s corpse they took it upon themselves to cast a resurrection spell upon him. Seeing as he was dead for sometime, there were some… complications with his resurrection. Tim was alive, but he was more or less a fat little zombie who only would feed on fresh brains. If he went a day or more without his meal of choice, he would become mindless and attack the closest brain he could grab. But still, they needed him. You see, their group was called “Death Mask” and they were all ex-apprentices to the great mage, Maskar, who was still alive. What they all had in common was that they each failed his test, such as Tim did, and as a result Maskar has been using them as bloodbags every time he gets hurt. Each member tried to live a simple life void of all adventures, but the mysterious pain would come at any moment causing them a magical wound. They sought each other out to help triangulate Masklar’s position and put and end to his vicious life drain. I shopped around Tim’s story, but no one was interested in a fat, mage apprentice, who was wider than he was tall. It was probably for the best, seeing as he wasn’t “technically” dead – rather, undead.

Urth finally met his goddess, Umberlee, in the afterlife. He soon realized exactly why people always referred her as “The Bitch Queen”, as she was in fact a big, old bitch. She wasn’t very pleased with the cleric, for many times he failed to give a sacrifice to her domain. Also, he blatantly went against her guidance when he asked about helping the flumph with its fetch quest. And, there was the incident where he attacked a hydra who was also a worshiper of hers. Urth was one of those “Microwave” believers – go to church every now and again, get “super charged” with faith, then quickly cool off until the next visit. Umberlee wanted him to be more like an “every day, all day believer” running every one of his thoughts through her Umberlee filter. WWUD? (What Would Umberlee Do?). As for the Urthlings, 30 days came and went without the return of their beloved leader, without any indication of hope, yet they still to this day worship his image and await his return for a second coming. The irony is that his believers are exactly what Umberlee wanted out of Urth. Umberlee sent Urth back as a fish to convince his followers somehow to convert to her teaching instead. This was an impossible task, especially while a fish… hence the “Bitch” part. The cleric was eaten, killed, and even made to be a pet of some sort. But each time me met failure, and disappointed his mistress time and time again. I sold Urth’s story and artifacts back to the Urthlings for the largest of sums. I passed the story off as Steve’s chronicles and they accepted this as their first holy book.

Peldu’s long line of family members (who shared his name) never received any of the lucrative life insurance policy he had taken out for himself, nor the large benefits the Red Sashes give upon death of one of their members. This was because no one ever found his body. Instead, A hunter decapitated his corpse, stuffed and mounted his head, and placed it upon his study. Thinking a tiefling to be exotic, his mug went nicely next to all the elk, moose, and deer that he had previously claimed as trophies. Peldu’s face inspired this hunter daily to be careful and kind, as he wouldn’t want to find his own mug on someone else’s wall, as Peldu had. Each night the hunter would say, “Good night old boy. Thanks for the chat. Hope I’m not like your in the morning”. I sold Peldu’s pyromaniac story to an eager, halfling warlord who was ready start his own adventures.

Therope master duergar finally overcame his sorrow over the loss of his beloved rope. He then moved up north of Neverwinter and took up a new lifestyle of giving gifts instead of gambling with them. Once a year he would provide presents to children to pay forward the act that changed his life forever. This act became so popular that it was celebrated every year and he needed assistance from local elves to meet his quotas.

Cavanaugh spent time doing good deeds with the epic hero Stanwick the Sandwich and eventually met up with the crippled hill giant that they saved previously, and together they three were a force to be reckoned with – do gooding where good doing was needed. It took a year or so, but Cavanaugh was approached by Priscilla Baum and they had the amazing Highlander-style battle he always wanted. In the end, the scarlet kiss contract was fulfilled! I have still yet to finish writing his story, which is the most epic of all the five adventurers.

Karma has a silly way of biting you in the ass, and other times kissing you in the rear instead. Despite all the horrific deeds these 5 party members did, in their deaths and failures came goodness that vibrated throughout the land righting what once was wrong.
Although, to this day, large cities are disappearing and more and more talk about the end of days whispers through the night, but no one knows when or how it will happen… but it will happen.

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