Players Are Stupid

Citizens of Urth

Take me to your leader

During the slumber, lots of underdarkian fiends crossed paths with the sleeping adventurers. An umber hulk took a huge crap right next to Annabelle’s bedroll, two drow elves were fighting and stepped on Cavanaugh, even a manticore came by and ate someone’s sack-lunch without alerting anyone.

First to rise in the morning was was Cavanaugh the bard-monk and Annabella the Rogue-Warrior-Arcane trickster. They both noticed something “strange”, a haggard old woman was cradling Peldu’s head while he was unconscious, recovering from his close call with death. Cavanaugh was quick to ask, “Are you his mom?”. And the banshee retorted with a shrill sound and swept up Peldu – the object of her affection – and glided out of sight!

Soon the other “lazy” adventurers awoke and were concerned as to where Peldu went. Cavanaugh explained that his mom came and picked him up, and she was definitely NOT a MILF. The party debated for a half a minute to determine if they should go after and save Peldu, “NO” was their unanimous decision. Side note: Annabelle did say that the only two people she mildly had a crush on were Urth and Peldu, who were both not present at the moment.

The party walked upstream and spotted Urth, Annabelle missed him most and her nether regions reminded her just how much (she may have daddy issues). Right before the party greeted him with open arms, they spotted another Urth getting a drink of water. What another great opportunity to play 20 questions, the only problem was that the party didn’t really know much about Urth and they couldn’t tell if the answers were true or not.

Finally the Urths came clean and told how they are both doppelgangers and worship the human they know as Urth – their lord and savior. They were sent here on a pilgrimage to seek out the 3 prophets Annabelle, Tim, Cavanaugh and the mighty towel boy, Peldu. “Where be the mighty towel boy?”, the Urths questioned in unison. Cavanaugh showed them “La Gioia Del Sesso”, the very book he lifted from the sex cult. This explained everything and they all moved to Urthtopia, which was more like a fuittopia.

On the way the Urths told grand tales of Urth, such as that one time Urth wanted some water but then he slapped it out of another Urths hand. Like the bible, I am sure this story had some sort of moral message but I couldn’t find any. Finally they came to a cave and the Urths pulled a switch and a secret opening in the wall appeared. Inside, it looked almost like the surface world! They painted rocks to look like trees, rocks to look like grass even cast an illusion of the ceiling to make it look like Caesar’s Palace in Las Vegas. The party found that everyone residing in this secret lair had the face of Urth, even the children! Whispers echoed throughout the cavern about the prophets as they pointed and giggled. The party entered the throne room and found another Urth-face sitting there, but this time I was the real Urth!

First Urth sent his minions out of the room but they were totally listening, so he cast a silence spell on the door. Then Urth explained that he did something while sleep walking that inspired this band of doppelgangers to think he was the chosen one and he has been here ever since being worshiped like a god. Everything seemed great for him, so he sent one doppelganger with his equipment to live out Urth’s life with the rest of the party. Everyone was a little embarrassed as they explained how their meta-gaming caused that doppelganger to die, but the good news is that they looted him! (they returned Urth his bloody belongings). God-Urth continued to explain that everything was perfect here until he tried to contact Umberlee for guidance. The doppelgangers believed that Urth alone was to save the people from the end of days and gaining insight from an outside source would poison his inspiration and so it was forbidden. Seeing as Urth was a subject of Umberlee, he decided that this would not do, and told him minion Urths to fetch his old companions to break him outta here.

The party conspired for a long while as to which option would be best fitting for their situation. One option they were toying around with was about how to cave in the structure killing every man-urth woman-urth and child-urth. Another talk involved poison and water supply. There weren’t any peaceful exit strategies on the table. Finally Urth sent for the best fighter within the clan. He then sent them all on a wild goose chase to find rare items such as 1 unicorn mane, 2 spider-silk ropes, a heart of a hook horror and my car keys (those things are impossible to find). Urth’s plan was to keep his followers preoccupied so that he might make his escape. One of his two minions that never left his side was working on a sculpted bust of Urth (which wasn’t very flattering) the other was the chronicler who wrote down every word and event that happened to Urth despite its importance or lack there of.

The party inquired about the treasure room, and were told that there was a lot of wealth and rations that they were stock-piling in the anticipation of the end of days. The party briefly inquired about the events and were told of strange occurrences, such as missing cities and non-hostile balrogs roaming the Underdark. That seemed to quench their curiosity enough and they didn’t delve deeper into maybe wondering “what missing cities” or why they thought of Urth as their savior.

I was also disguised as Urth, but I was no match for the shape-shifters. Almost every Urth-a-like asked me what was wrong and I had to make up some kind of believable shore-story, such as “I got kicked in the face by a retarded centaur”, or “I had a bad outbreak of HIV today”. The only people who didn’t notice me was the party of adventures. They were led into the hoard of riches and their eyes widened and soon turned into dollar signs. Before you could say pinata the party was grabbier than Bill Cosby at a sleep over! Now let me tell you something about doppelgangers, what they think is valuable is deception, it is their whole deal. So it wouldn’t be far off to stockpile a whole bunch of mimics (creatures that disguise themselves like objects and pouch one unsuspecting victims). And that is exactly what happened. Each person found themselves with a mimic disguised as either a quarter staff, shield, scroll or bag of gold.

Annabelle tried to cry for help demanded the doppelgangers to save them, but they only listen to their god-king Urth and felt Annabelle was trying a little too hard name-dropping to look cool. During the fight Annabelle fled and let everyone else take most the damage, and in the end Urth, Tim and Cavanaugh were all bleeding out. Before tending to Tim’s wounds (who was one roll away for permanent death) she collected her daggers, slowly. She finally got it together enough to save the party (hey I thought she liked Urth?)

The party retired to their chambers for the night and in the morning Urth cured Cavanaugh of the Athlete’s Death that was going to kill him in 26 days!

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