Players Are Stupid

Cavanaugh was retrieved out of the water from human figure who was decorated in epic equipment. Cavanaught had “purple” envy for sure and was currently comparing e-peens. They retreated out of the reach of hydra to size up their options instead of running in without a plan. This concept was new to the bard-monk and he liked it very much.

I almost shit a brick when I noticed the hero as Stanwick the Sandwich, like his name he was to whole package, he had meat, cheese and killer buns! I had previously found him lying dead in a ditch after slaying a red dragon. I looted all his belongings and sold them and his tale to a lesser hero.

Unfortunately for the new lesser Stanwick he couldn’t live up to the glory and met a fast end when he died in a simple dual. His belongings were later put on display in the mage tower along with his long list of achievements that I had documented. As it so happens the real Stanwick didn’t die after all, a mistake I had not experienced prior. It also appeared he was the one who ransacked the mage tower ages ago (the party would have known this if they investigated the room at all) and reunited himself with his epic gear. Now it seems that he was looking to exercise some form of revenge upon poor little old me. Realizing that I needed to keep my enemies close, I cast my “remote eye” spell to follow Urth and the gang, while I used real eyes to watch these two knuckleheads.

Cavanaugh learned a new concept, “strategies”. He liked Stanwick so much so that he showed the man an x-rated page that was torn out of his long lost sex-tomb. The hero wasn’t impressed in the slightest. Cavanaugh got the impression that he got a lot of tail and was even more impressed. Their plans were interrupted however when they noticed below the dam was a winged beast attacking the tavern they previously “legitimately” acquired a cloak from. It wasn’t long before the beast ripped a hole through the ceiling of the establishment and started to rip people apart, limb from limb. Stanwick being a true hero almost leapt down to save them all, not caring for his own well being. Cavanaugh urged him to let them pass away peacefully as God intended. After hearing about the incident with the cloak, the hero agreed with Cavanaugh’s argument.

Stanwick healed Cavanaugh and decided he would use this injustice to slay the beast, fearing it not! Cavanaugh wondered if there was a better, more cowardly way to go about this. Stanwick insisted this had to happen with courage and head-on. The duo met the beast, bravery in Stanwick’s eyes, and a little turd in Cavanaugh’s pants. Oh they met it well! Stanwick was used to fighting alone and made a minor mistake by fearing the hydra. This action didn’t cause it to run away, instead it drew each of the five hydra heads to bite at Batman’s Roblin (Cavanaugh). Cavanaugh was scared, but Stanwick healed him over and over again, soon realizing his mistake they retreated to regroup. Once the fear wore off they continued their assault. They kept cutting of heads to watched them grow back again. Cavanaugh feared this task was a huge waste of time and punches and opted to flee. But Stanwick was not that type of person, you know the only type Cavanaugh had ever known, you know, cowards! The hero could not be presuaded to flee from this mighty foe, and finally they managed to cut off all the heads causing the beast to explode blood and guts everywhere. It was a glories day for sure. But not for me, who didn’t have a change of clothes :(

At this time the winged beast was finished murdering the tavern and flew past the duo, not before pausing for a moment as it glanced at Cavanaugh, who looked like an abortion. But it continued onto the same cave his friends when into. Now that the obstacle was bested Stanwick asked Cavanaugh, without any bias as to where he would like to travel next. Instead of following his friends he asked Stanwick to summon a mighty steed to maybe help them travel and explore the subterranean sea. A mere ten minutes later a huge translucent bird large enough to be mounted answered the hero’s call. It was a spirit griffon (giant bird, huge shits). Before you could say “Disneyland” both of them were already on top of this bird ready for the ride of their life. My invisibility spell was close to wearing off so I grabbed hold of the creature’s talon before take off. It took off faster than anyone would have imagined, it was strong yet graceful. Cavanaugh couldn’t contain himself and he let out a loud “YEEEEEEEAAAAHHH” while raising both arms above his head, fists clenched!!

They soared across the sea, so close that they felt the mist kiss their cheeks. Cavanaugh now knew that anything was possible, so he pointed up, and the griffon complied with a 90 degree turn. Flying vertically was just as fast as it could fly horizontal. They were rapidly approaching the ceiling Cavanauah closed his eyes bracing for impact, but Stanwick knew better and they all shot out of a small opening on the ceiling! They were finally out of the Underdark! It was glorious! They understood now that the subterranean sea was inside a hollowed out mountain.

The light felt so good against their skin, their eyes winced in the sun’s glory. They circled around the mountain looking for any sign Cavanaugh’s friends (if you could call them that). They spied a path leading inside the mountain and outside were a couple of gnolls, grazing. Ignoring the gnolls, they followed the path leading out of the mountain on to a town off in the distance. Cavanaugh decided that they might be in the town (even though he just saw them an hour before and there was no way for them to be able to walk to town in that amount of time (run along sentences aside, that shit was dumb).

The happy bard-monk wanted to leap off the griffon and use his feather fall spell to make a dramatic entrance into the town, but Stanwick reminded him that he might be occupied by hostile creatures. So, instead they found a tree outside of town and told the griffon spirit they summoned to “Lay low and shut up”.

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