Players Are Stupid

Mind Flayer Ate My Balls

and all I got was this t-shirt

The party was face-to-face with this menacing squid-face. They were not sure if they had seen or eaten one of these before. Annabelle asked the Flumph telepathically if this was its cloister. Which alerted the Flumph that Annabelle is a total ditz and knew nothing about a cloister what-so-ever. I mean everyone with half a brain knew, “A cloister is usually in a large cavern or (in swamps and grasslands) a large, nest-like bower constructed of grass and mud.” The Flumph responded, “No this is much more scrumptious.”

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They slowly started to back away taking the mind flayer for a fool and it used its mind to command them to, “Stop slave.” Annabelle was not the slightest bit intimidated. While feeling a little bit sassy, she sassed back at him, as women tend to do. The party was feeling quite ballsy and was prepared to make sushi out of this guy! The Illithid reiterated, this time motioning to them to kneel before his power. Annabelle didn’t like people inside her head anymore than she liked giving head, and decided to insult the creature by speaking aloud instead of telepathically. Peldu was about to throw Britney Spear at the fearsome foe, like he did with the cyclops (oops, I did it again). But the mind flayer decided to stun every last one of them, leaving them powerless against its almighty power. The beast toyed with them wrapping his tentacles around their brains to see which one was the tastiest. It was determined that Tim had the smartest, most active, fatty brain of them all. The Illithid was almost drooling ink on himself.

Cavanaugh used his mind to communicate to the beast that obviously had no problem besting them. He told the beast about a VERY interesting picture book he found in a sex-cult and he could have it – all he had to do was take it out of his bag. The mind flayer searched Cavanaugh’s mind and decided that this book did have interest to him. The book levitated out of the motionless bard-monk’s bag and into the hands of the mind flayer. Cavanaugh then started getting cold feet and started to back-pedal on the gift stating, “I might need that back at some point – it is a loan.” After noticing the foul expression on the squid-faced creature, Cavanaugh double back-peddled and told him to keep it as long as he needs it. Tim had a different plan in mind, he challenged him to a battle of wits… “How about you un-stun us, and if you cannot answer my riddle you must let us go!” The flayer counter offered with, “Why don’t I eat your brain to find the answer?” The master of negotiations couldn’t negotiate out of that one.

Peldu then offered to do some services for their freedom. Seeing as they were already his slaves, whether they knew it or not, the mind flayer was open minded to this. The tentacly slaver offered a fetch quest for their lives. “Bring me my scepter that was taken by some annoying hobgoblins up ahead, and I will give you your lives (not your freedom mind you). They all agreed as they were scared as shit. Peldu thought to himself about tricking the mind flayer and killing him later if they decided that the quest was too hard. The mind flayer responded to this thought, “You know I can hear you right?”

The brave adventurers agreed to the terms but there was one last detail that needed to be decided. “Who will stay here for collateral?” The went back and forth and in the end the two runner ups were Urth or Steve the Urthling. They finally settled on Steve as they “Really didn’t know him anyway.” Plus, they had a lukewarm feeling about doing the quest, forgetting of course that Steve and the Flumph were the only tickets they had to get out of the Underdark and they were about to leave them both with a creature that just made them all his bitch, prison-style!

The mind flayer un-stunned them and gave them directions to the hobby-gobbies and they party pressed on, brains intact. Not before heeding the mind flayers final instruction, “But be warned that if your don’t return within 24 hours with the scepter I will eat the shit out of Steve’s brain as an appetizer, then I will proceed to hunt you down one by one, and do the same to you. And once I shit out your brains, I will then put them back inside your head, because that is what I think of you… shit for brains!” Steve knew Urth would come back for him but was a little uneasy as the mind flayer dusted his scalp with lemon pepper and other spices and chopped some carrots on him, all the while singing “I want chicken, I want dinner, Steve’s brains, Steve’s brains, please deliver.”

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