Players Are Stupid

The Last of the Gob-hicans

ou stay alive, no matter what occurs! I will find you.

They made their way to the corral which Annabelle had never seen before, and managed to find the opening which was blocked off by a megalithic rock with two enormous hands cradling it. But no head, arms, feet or butt-hole seemed to be connected to the hands from their vantage point. Tim used detect magic in hopes to either A: find the scepter, or B: figure out if this rock was magical. Well, the rock wasn’t magical. And the funny thing about detect magic is, it is blocked by 3 feet of stone, which this was much more than. The whole stockade of the corral consisted of sharp rocks in fact. They said a couple “magic” words, which were really just “words”. Annabelle then climbed up the rock and soon the rest of the lot joined her; with the help of the magic rope, of course. On the other side, they now saw the head, arms, feet and butt-hole of the monster that owned the mysterious hands! It was a hill giant, and they gathered that its sole purpose was to lift the rock as a doorway to the compound.

Annabelle wanted to pick the locks that chained the beast, but there were none. It seems this beast has been here, in this exact position, since the creation of these chains. There were no locks, there were no keys. Cavanaugh pet the hill giant’s hand with his mage hand. They asked it a series of questions but it just seemed sad, and broken. The giant’s neck was malformed due to out growing his shackles. He acted like a beaten dog, in the child pose position. Tim used shatter on a weak spot in his neck shackles and boom, he was free!!!! Once he realized that his freedom had now been given to him, he pulled the megalithic boulder back and threw it hundreds of feet toward the battlefield! Peldu and Annabelle were still on top of it! Tim saved the day by casting feather fall upon them both.Thehill giant tried to stand, but as anyone who has ever done the child pose for more than 10 minutes knows, your back is fucked. Now, imagine doing it for 100 plus years. Yeah, mega fucked!

Not able to stand, the hill giant used his incredibly strong arms to pull himself forward as he let out a horrific sound that he mustered from 100 years of pain and working out with this boulder! He charged the battlefield and bugbear and hobgoblin alike joined forces to try and best this enraged tyrant! So, this was a great opportunity to casually look around some huts inside the compound, as the whole Underdark shook with terror! The party then knew that this whole level was on the verge of collapsing down upon them, and finding the scepter was paramount. They rushed deeper inside the compound that lead into a cave. Peldu stood back and lit a fire upon a hut outside before entering with the party. Inside, the cavern spiraled up and up with many smaller caves that looked like homes and such. Many yellow eyes stared at them from above. If they looked more farly, they would have noticed the light coming from the very top of the cave was none other than surface light!

Everyone rushed to a shrine in the center of the huge cavern, and luckily for them the chieftain of the whole establishment was sitting waiting for them, holding his most prize possession, the scepter. The hobgoblin chieftain foresaw this day long ago. Ever since that day, he has sat in his throne waiting for the 4 horseman to deliver his destiny by spilling his blood. And here they were, less menacing than he expected, but nevertheless they were them. He was certain. As the walls cracked and shook, the remaining tribe of non-warrior types hid in wait – their numbers were less than 1,000. The chieftain knew he couldn’t win this fight, so his heart was not in it, but he had to dance the dance if he were to claim his honorable spot in the afterlife.

Without words the party descended upon him, ignoring his melancholy. After over 100 points of damage, the chieftain fulfilled his role in the Apocalypse, and the party, theirs. During the fight Cavanaugh fumbled while using the quarter staff he got from the doppelgangers and discovered that it too was a mimic hiding in wait. How did he know this? Well it bit him, that is how! He threw down the quarterstaff and picked up another one, or at least he “thinks” it is a different one, only time will tell. Cavanaugh reached for the scepter but Annabelle grabbed it first, along with a fist full of coins. She even used mage hand to “ninja” these items, whereas everyone else hit the “Greed” button. Even Tim, who technically is the only one who “Needed” it.

Everyone ran as the huge structure started to cave in! Hobgoblins were raining down from their home-caves. At the sight of this Peldu, the pyromancer, was looking for something to start a fire, as if the fact that the whole place was about to come down didn’t sink in his head. It was clear that all of these hobgoblins were going to die. Do you also have to burn them? It is a little over kill, no? Then as the party was running for their lives, they were stopped by a huge fiery-blaze that Peldu had lit before entering the cavern, blocking their only way out. So, they had to jump the shark fire. Tim came very close to dying in a fire, as they all took burn damage. Jumping through the fire was a good decision after all, because a near moment later, the party was covered by a tsunami of 1,000 innocent hobgoblin’s blood, as the structure collapsed upon itself.

By the time they made it out of the corral both opposing armies were completely massacred by the hill giant! Annabelle split the party again, as she hi-tailed it outta there with her loot. Whereas Cavanaugh, Tim and Peldu all desperately wanted to talk to the hill giant, who was bashing his skull against a wall trying to make an escape – still in his crippled state. Once they got there however, they were a little lost for words as the giant was unable to speak. Tim tried to summon the GIANT hill giant as his familiar, but despite his large brain, he didn’t really know how shit works in this world (maybe he should have finished his training with his master).

Once they ran out of ideas, Cavanaugh gave the giant a ball baring to choke on? He accepted it for some reason. The giant then stuck his very large and very dirty finger inside his bottom eyelid and presented the moisture to Cavanaugh. He and the others bathed themselves in the salty stuff and did the same to their own eye (I think they might have just put hobgoblin blood in there). It was a beautiful moment, and they all felt as if they had a full nights sleep!! Except of course Annabelle who was counting her loot and demanded the party do a short one hour rest. As if they had no where to go. It’s cool, only 20 hours left to save Steve guys :D Tick, tock.

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