Players Are Stupid

What Happens In Sex-Cult, Stays In Sex-Cult
What I just came for the slot machines?

I found Devon while I was blending in, disguised as a large phallic. I agreed to tug on his shaft for him, in exchange for a magical tracking artifact called GPS. In pulling the lever, the hundreds of tiny demons turned into half as many small demons, the small demons turned into half as many medium ones, and so on and so forth until there was one more gigantic demon in the pen!

Cavanaugh just finished playing tug-o-war with his cyclops when he was startled by Devon and myself who walked into the barracks. Cavanaugh quickly stashed the “education material” behind his back, but he wasn’t fooling anyone. We both knew he was helping put Mr. Kleenex’s kids through college. Seeing that the bard-monk was familiar with his sexuality, Devon offered a deal to him – have sensual intercourse with this snake-headed man, OR die by having rough sex with this snake-headed man. Cavanaugh tried to explain that he was all tapped out from his self-induced penile regurgitation, but Devon was not interested in Cavanaugh’s buttering of his own corn on the cob.

Finally, Cavanaugh agreed to Devon’s demands after getting introduced to one of the larger demons in the ceiling. First Cavanaugh was instructed to take a ceremonial bath (he was a little rank). Then he had to pick some nice foliage from the mushroom garden, which he managed to make a nice bouquet of ‘shrooms. Then he met the snake-headed male and nervously awaited for him to come down the stairs. Finally the snake-headed man stood at the top of the stairs, and boy did he change. He wore the same acolyte’s robes as Cavanaugh but for some reason it looked amazing. The snake-headed man strolled down the stairs with such class and grace. Devon had a boutonniere for the snake-headed man’s wrist but Cavanaugh quickly intercepted it and wanted to do the honors!

They went out and had the best date of their lives! They talked about music and art – not in a pretentious way. They both agreed that George Samual’s work fuses chaos with order, with lines and shapes laid randomly at first glance. Closer inspection gradually reveals that a set of rules governs the placement of shapes and the choice of colors. Thus, the artist challenges the viewer to explore the rules encoded in the subconscious that shape our aesthetics, to consider why we find beauty in the juxtaposition of chaos and order. Rather than any implied meaning or message, the minimalist nature of these paintings encourages the viewer to consider the visual qualities of the work – the composition, surfaces, textures and the relationship of depicted space to line and form. In simplicity, art becomes more direct and incisive in its dissection of the human mind, a more lucent mirror of our collective subconscious.

Cavanaugh wasn’t normally into snake-headed people before but there must have been something in the air because he was feeling very open-minded! After the date they romanticly consented to each other and with the help of “mage dick” a demon child was born!

“Never forget me”, hissed the snake-headed man as he drew in his last breathe, trying to breath in as much of his lover as possible in hopes that they will meet again in the afterlife! “I will never speak of this day, as no words can ever do it justice”, Cavanaugh responded, and left a single tear on the snake-headed males lips.

Devon kept to his word and used his teleporter to grant the bard-monk fast travel to his companions. Devon went back and found the orcs and 5 days later there were 5 more acolytes in his sex-dungeon and he was back on track! But for what exactly?

While creating a new, more powerful, sculpted, stone guardian Devon noticed that something was terribly wrong. The guardian wouldn’t stay still, then he realized that not all the gold was back in the enchanted fountain and the stone guardian went out the door hunting for its loot. Listen, and understand. That stone guardian is out there. It can’t be bargained with. It can’t be reasoned with. It doesn’t feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And it absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are dead and the gold is returned!

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Can't We All Just Get Along?
I am only trespassing, robbing and murdering your people...

Instead of resting the party jingled their way inside the hole and came face-to-face with none other than Devon himself! This half-man, half-snake sat comfortably on his throne. The party switched negotiation tactics and Tim lead the charge with words like “sir, master, and please”. Devon was amused by the “minor” setback they caused him with the acolytes. Tim asked ever so polity if they may leave his house and be on their merry way. Devon insisted that “breaking into one’s house, stealing one’s riches, spreading blood-graffiti and murdering the help was just plain rude. I don’t care what part of the Underdark you grew up in”. The party agreed that it was a “dick move” on their parts, but insisted it was a mere misunderstanding and they just wanted to go home. They even presented Devon with the offer of an arena battle Peldu vs three beasts, just to let them leave and live. He was less interested in the arena and reminded them that they already refused a far less offer from the acolytes.

He posed them another deal. “All you have to do is pull a lever for me, and I will open a portal to anyplace you want in the surface world.” This was very tempting as the party hated the Underdark even more than they hated the boat (and you all remember what Peldu did to that).

The party was quite temped by the offer but was hesitant, “what if we refuse?” they pondered. Devon explained that he was a very busy snake-man and had a very busy schedule to keep and he had no time to toy around with the likes of them. If the party refused his offer, he would let them leave but never to return. Tim being the master of negotiations asked, “What if we refuse now and if we change our minds? Can we come back and pull the shit out of that lever for you?”

Devon did not agree to Tim’s terms. He explained that the party has found him in a difficult time where he was without slaves as the party disposed of them all, and the simple lever pulling task was now unmanned.

Devon realized that this conversation was going no where so he took the party upstairs. The room was shaped like a giant pentagram. Each point had a magical barrier stopping the HORDES of demons from escaping. In one point there were hundreds of tiny demons they recognized as the very same type of demon that came out of the pig-headed she-male. The next one had only one hundred small demons with sharp wings. Each point had about half as many demons but twice the size and girth of the previous, until they reached the 5th point that had two colossal demons. They were so scary that the party couldn’t even look in their direction. In the middle of the pentagram, the party stood next to a glowing orb and lever. Devon asked where they wanted to go. “Baulder’s Gate” they exclaimed! But Devon explained that no such city exists on the surface world. Looking at their map, Tim picked a random island city Tharsult for no reason other than he has never been on an island! Maybe it was an orc city? Maybe they hated the obese on Tharsult? Who knows, but Devon pulled up a portal to the city and their escape was within their grasps!

The party didn’t know what Devon’s plans were with all these demons, and they didn’t trust him. Forgetting that Devon most likely had the means to turn off whatever power was keeping them at bay, Tim decided to threaten Devon but was quick to retract his statement. Trying to bargain with information, Tim told Devon about the “random” orcs below that were attacking his door. The snake-man was unfazed by their advances. “I made most of my acolytes from that very tribe of orcs”, he exclaimed. Finally, the party declined his offer to send them top-side and Devon kept to his word and used a pentagram amulet to open the metal doors and letting them leave unharmed. But not before he questioned the party about his lost “gold”, they tried to act dumb (it wasn’t a stretch) and eventually Peldu and Tim gave all their gold back, whereas Annabelle gave only some back in increments. First 100, then 400, then 4000. Finally Devon was satisfied with the return of his gold (but Annabelle still had 500 on her). Tim wanted to stay one more night in the dwelling, but Devon was out of generosity.

The party found themselves tired, cold, and again in the Underdark… but this time without the bard-monk and cleric of Umberlee.

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House Of How Mommy Met Daddy!
Part 2

Against murder, but not against torture, Cavanaugh helped tie up two of the sleeping acolytes (no rope left, folks). They didn’t have a gag, but Peldu decided to break one of his Javelins (6 left) in half and put it in the prisoner’s mouth (he got bit). They then asked the prisoner questions, but couldn’t understand her because she had a stick in her mouth. They took out the stick (and got bit again). But the cultist wasn’t feeling very chatty. So, the sixteen-year-old Annabelle decided to hold the prisoners over the trapdoor a la batman. The joker, I mean acolyte, was quite intimidated by this maneuver and gave them information about Devon, the boss of the joint and something about 1 of 5. There was much more useful information, but I doubt the party remembered any of it. After a while, Annabelle did not release the acolyte even after she was pouring her heart out. She figured her days were numbered, and managed to free herself from the rogue’s delicate grasp and plunged to her death below (splat).

Peldu, taking a page out of Annabelle’s book of intimidation, did the same maneuver on the second tied up prisoner. Seeing what happened to the last acolyte she wasn’t about to give up any information. Plus, she thought Peldu’s emo hair wasn’t at all intimidating. She just kept going on about how they are all doomed, blah, blah and going to be assimilated, blah, blah.

The prisoner managed to grab hold of Peldu and attempted to plunge out the trapdoor, taking him with her. This was almost successful but at the last minute Cavanaugh cut off the prisoner’s hand causing her to also plunge to her death with a horrific splat!

Seeing as they really loved spending time in this cultist’s house – the party decided to spend an hour just “hanging out”. Within that time, a “random” group of orcs started to throw spears up the trap door. There was much debate about these “random” orcs and if they had any information as to the whereabouts of their friend Urth, or if they would have insight as to what the cult was doing. Many chicken-shit plans were hatched of ways they could throw javelins at them. Finally, someone caught on that the “random” orcs were in no way connected to the plot and decided to close the hatch, not knowing if they locked Urth out in the cold Underdark… forever.

Back in the barracks, Cavanaugh cast a detect magic spell and he noticed a very strong signal coming directly above the next room. But instead of investigating that, he found the sex-cult bible with all kinds of secrets to their belief system, and pictures of their favorite sexual positions! Cavanaugh stayed behind reading “La Gioia Del Sesso” which he couldn’t make out the boner-glyphs but it didn’t stop him from “trying”.

The next room curved in a strange manor, and had some brownish goo dripping in a triangle shape from the ceiling above. There was a door to the left, but no one wanted to walk IN the goo to investigate. Someone pointed out that it looked like shit. Someone else pointed out that it smelled like shit. Finally they all agreed that maybe it was shit.

Jumping over the smallest portion of shit-rain, the party moved on to a large set of metal doors lending east. They finally came to the conclusion that they didn’t have the know-how or steady hands to operate this door, and moved on. On the far side of the room was a 3rd and final door next to an enchanted fountain, but instead of flowing water it was flowing gold coins! Annabelle couldn’t resist taking some, but then the statue next to the fountain started to move, so Annabelle put some back… It still moved so she put a little more back… It was STILL moving, so she finally put them all back guessing it was a trap. I swear, it is the hardest thing in the world to do – get a woman to give back money she didn’t earn.

Proceeding through the next room, the party wished they had WD40 as every single door in this joint was squeaky as hell. Annabelle blew another spell, casting an illusion on the door making it appear closed while she opened it. It was to her fortune that the room was empty, and no one witnessed her waste the spell. There were cheers coming from two windows that were leading into a mud-pit arena. Inside was a common-looking man fighting a huge serpent. The party figured that the rest of the acolytes which accounted for the remaining empty beds were all in the arena, and they were right!

They discussed another chicken-shit way of throwing javelins and such, through the window at the remaining acolytes but then decided to go down the stairs instead.

Down below was a cage filled with 6 humans. The party approached the malnourished lot with tales of their escape and freedom, and how they were not going to hurt them. But the prisoners thought it to be some kind of trick or torture and stood still cowering in fear. Finally Peldu got the bright idea that maybe they didn’t speak-a-the-common? Then Tim realized that it must been their clever disguises when they remembered they were all wearing the hooded-robes of the resident acolytes.

Finally, they removed their hoods and the prisoners were quick to accept any help the party offered. The party waited for a loud sound to come from the arena and timed the escape for that very moment. That moment arose and the party opened the cage by turning the crank to the counter weight, and the prisoners fled out the door.

Peldu was trying wrangle up the prisoners who were trying to smash down the metal doors above, stealing gold out of the fountain, slipping on the shit piles. Peldu managed to arm each one with a Javelin and get the agreement that if the figurative shit (not the stuff on the ground) hit the fan they would help destroy the fan.

It was only moments later when the horde of 9 acolytes came in the room with a snake-headed male from the arena. Maybe they should have NOT waited for the end of the match and planned their escape better?

Dialogue ensued! The acolytes were willing to bargain with the party, but little did they know that Tim was a MASTER of bargaining and they were truly outmatched! The acolytes offered to let the party leave if Peldu bested one of their beasts in the area. Tim countered with, “and we get to keep all of your slaves”. The acolytes countered with, “killing all of you right now”. Tim double-countered that with Peldu fighting two beasts, and if he won they could have the slaves too. Tim hastily back-peddled on his last offer. His final counter-offer was letting the party and the slaves go without giving anything in return (what a hard-ass). The acolytes countered with, “why don’t we all fight to the death.” The party accepted these terms and the blood/shit bath began!

It would have been great if Cavanaugh wasn’t one room away “reading the articles” in the taboo book he found. Enraged with the possibility of freedom, the slaves fought mightily! Each one managed to take out one acolyte while also dying and breaking the javelin that Peldu had entrusted them with (it was a loan btw).

The party forgot about the statue that was coming alive because of the slave who stole coins from the fountain. And right as they finished killing the last acolyte they had a stone guardian to contend with! It was like chipping away at a block of ice with an ice pick, but the party managed to destroy the guardian instead of putting the coins back.

Annabelle rushed to take as many coins out of the fountain that she could carry without looking fat (it was 100 pounds of gold, which was 5,000 gold pieces). Tim noticed a stone-guardian-sized opening in the wall where the stone guardian once stood, while taking 500 gold for himself. Peldu gave into the peer-pressure of the situation and took 500 gold, just to fit in and be excepted by his friends. Peldu also picked up the stone guardian’s stone sword, and it turns out that it turns people into stone (only a limited amount of times).

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House Of How Mommy Met Daddy!
Part 1

The party awoke from their insightful slumber feeling changed in some way. They stood around looking for a reason to proceed forward without their morning coffee. Noticing the void of their companion Urth and the open trapdoor, Cavanaugh had the genius idea to leave a note in case Urth returned and got pissed off for ditching him like second-period french. The note said,

“Dear Urth, we woke up and had some weird dreams, and didn’t know where you were so we just wanted to let you know that we decided to move forward into the crazy sex cult. Did you also have strange dreams? Hope you are doing well, not dead, and having fun wherever you are. Talk to you later. Sincerely, Cavanaugh.”

Oh, did I mention he wrote it somehow in blood? And that his long note completely covered the walls and floor? Yeah, and did I also mention that he wrote it in goblin? Oooh, and one more thing, Cavanaugh forgot if Urth did or did NOT speak goblin… He didn’t remember Urth speaking to the goblins they slayed the previous day… So… No? Cavanaugh then tried to fix the note, which then just smudged the blood around so that on the off-chance that Urth did speak goblin, it would translate to:

“Fear birth, we woke up dreaming of weird role-play sex. Did you date? Hope you in hell, and having fungus! Tacos later. Sinister, Caravan.”

The party then looked around the room where they slept for the last 8 hours, for what felt like ANOTHER 8 HOURS! Looking for loot – none. Looking for clues – none. Finally they remembered to put on their oh-so fashionable acid, sex-cult robes +1 and proceeded through the next door without checking, listening or any form of caution what-so-ever.

On the other side were barracks with 20 empty beds and 6 acolytes kneeling down and chanting, “…like an animal, I want to feel you from the inside.” As the door opened the chanting stopped. One of the acolytes approached the party with a cage and asked about the whereabouts of the child-spawn. Annabelle exclaimed that there were intruders (true) and they interrupted the ceremony (true) and that the child-spawn did not survive the encounter (also true). All the acolytes wept at their misfortune. Annabelle praised the god lord (lie) and tried to talk about religion with them (why?!). The acolytes stopped crying and started to smell something fishy (and it wasn’t their vaginas).

The farthest acolyte presented a large bottle of blood-wine and each of the acolytes drank after reciting, “to the moon”. Annabelle decided she wanted to pour the wine and took it from the acolyte. She then passed off that she drank the wine while casting a minor illusion on the bowl. Then she gave the bowl to Tim the apprentice and he put the liquid to his lips, and did not drink (like a child). But Annabelle didn’t refill the sacred bowl, so that was one giveaway to their ruse. The other was when Tim said, “to the moon” in his deep male voice. If you all remember, all the sex-cult acolytes are female and look exactly the same. This confirmed all the sex-olytes suspicions and they approached Tim and filled his bowl (which caused it to overflow due to the illusion). Instead of drinking it, he reached for the giant sacred bottle and did the (oldest trick in the book) “oops my bad” move as he dropped it on the floor causing it to shatter everywhere. Peldu was distraught as he knew how hard it was to clean up glass off the floor, especially when liquid was involved.

And the fight kicked off without a hitch, well maybe a little hitch as every acolyte spat acid at Tim causing him to fall unconscious faster than someone trying to watch the 1995 blockbuster Waterworld. Good thing Peldu had a potion of superior healing and over-healed the apprentice by a ton. But nevertheless, he was up! Then he got hit with the same acid attack and went down again. Cavanaugh then did a sleep spell on his flute (not before cutting his lip for 4 damage because he sharpened it into a dagger remember?) which put 2 acolytes to bed without supper, along with Tim.

The party took down the acolytes one by one and left Tim on the floor so as to not jeopardize him getting killed. Most of the killing blows went to the pacifist bard-monk. One by knocking one’s head off it’s spinal cord, and another from punching the stomach out of the acolyte’s body using only kung-fu arts. Then Cavanaugh, the pacifist, remembered what being a pacifist meant and wished he could have “knocked out” those acolytes instead of giving them the eternal “Nap”. With using only MOST of their newly acquired skills the party (minus Urth) triumphed!

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Urth's Tranquil Walk Of Peace!
You gotta dream big kids!

While the party was soundly asleep in the sex dungeon, each member had an interesting dream. Tim the apprentice dreamt that he had six tubes attached to his cow-like utters, but instead of milk flowing through the clear tubes it was blood. He carefully followed the tubes which felt like forever. Tim figured this was a dream and decided that all dream rules would apply to his predicament, and he opted to fly in the direction of the tubes. Finally he found the end of the end and there was a figure drinking his blood out of the open end of the tubes. After much inspection it was none other that Tim’s master, Mr. Waldorf! Or maybe just his ghost? With that thought Tim woke up, feeling a bit stronger than he had before.

Peldu the barbarian, had a wonderful dream about being a young pregnant male who was due to give birth at any moment! The only problem was that the Red Scarfs were upset with him for not pulling his weight on setting up camp. They scolded and made fun of him for being “lazy” and “fat” which in their defense was mostly accurate among the knocked up. Peldu cared about his bun in the oven like any mother would, but he knew that he had to induce labor so that he would not miss the only opportunity he would have at such an event, even if it was only a dream. Eight hours of pain, pushing and heavy breathing later, Peldu pushed out a beautiful bat-like demon who truly “had his eyes”. He was very impressed with the fact that he didn’t need a Cesarian section (despite what his associate in the Red Scarf thought), and he gave birth naturally without an epidural. Nothing gives a parent more pride then one-upping another parent (like that bitch Becky Stillton, who had 2 stillborn due to her “thunder thighs). Peldu soon awoke from this magical experience with a boost in his spirit!

Cavanaugh had a less blissful experience in his dream. The bard-monk was having a great dinner party with his adventuring party. There were drinks and gourmet food, and laughs were a plenty until Cavanaugh noticed that his friends all turned gray and faceless, and they armed themselves with their weaponry! Cavanaugh did what any fearless bard-monk would do in a dream where the limits were only bound by one’s imagination, he ran away from them and hid. He awoke afraid, emasculated and with an oddly timed boner. Suffice it to say, he was feeling less accurate than he was before the eight hours rest.

Annabelle had a dream where she was rich, beautiful, and famous! She was like Taylor Swift without all the boy troubles! She was parading around town like she witnessed Priscilla do on occasion in Waterdeep. All her dreams had come true within her dreams! That is, until some beggars started to throw coins and jewels at her. At first she thanked them profusely and carried on with her day. Soon it was too much, and it started to hurt her. A diamond cut her upper lip, and someone shot a pearl necklace on her. One beggar even made an improvement by smashing her face with a gold bar. Annabelle ran with all her riches intact. Soon she was cornered in a dark alley. She went against her greed and did something she never thought she could – she threw a large pile of gold in the other direction giving her a long enough diversion to get away. This act proved a positive growth for her and she woke up feeling improved! But was also, feeling awkward due to her view of the growth inside Cavanauh’s robes.

Urth on the other hand had a nightmare. It was strong and as dark as the night’s sky. Its mane was thick and black as coal. He rode bareback on the stallion as if he was born to ride. Searching for Umberlee in the sea, the horse rode so fast it was soaring over the water with no sign of sinking. He loved this beast like it were the incarnation of his god!

Little did Urth know that back at the sex dungeon he started sleep walking (or galloping), his mouth made the clip-clop stride of his nightmare! He even on occasion made the stallion’s sighing, groaning and neighing sounds! He felt the wind in his hair as he rode up and down the room. I was caught off guard when I opened the hatch, as I was trampled by the noctambulant cleric.

Fearing for my life, I opened the outer door releasing the cleric to the inner sanctum of the sex cult. The acolytes were equally disturbed by the display and took turns trying to lasso him with some bondage straps. One acolyte even rode on Urth’s back for 13 seconds which was the new world record! After an hour of torment they figured the only option was to let the cleric-beast free to graze in the Underdark and opened the huge doors sending him on his way.

In Urth’s dream he found his nightmare slowing down from exhaustion and starting to sink. He found himself on a small island filled with cats. Black ones, tabbies even those gross-ass, hairless ones. Urth dismounted his mare and tried to pet one of the kittens, but his hand went through it like as if he were a ghost! The cute, cuddly and oh so adorable felines turned feral and all pounced upon his nightmare and started to tear it apart! Urth tried to swat them off his beloved beast but his hands just phased through them. Only his falling tears effected the cats causing them to get wet! This was the only way he could interact with them, so he knew what he had to do “CRY MORE THAN ANY MAN HAS EVER CRIED!”. And he did just that, he thought about his god Umberlee rejecting his invitation to his b-day party, he thought about the death of his nightmare, and more importantly its death before he could tell it that he loved it… from his own lips. He also thought about how there was going to be a movie about Arrested Development but clearly there was not! He thought about the saddest, most upsetting things he could think of and eventually the cats ran away from Urth’s monsoon eyes!

Gasping for air, and coughing up blood, Urth whispered, “I loved you most, my black heart” and the nightmare motioned for Urth to come closer, as he didn’t have enough strength to speak loudly. “Don’t be such a pussy”, the horse retorted then passed on to the next life.

Feeling like a pussy, Urth dried his eyes with dirt, and decided to swim to the bottom of the ocean. There he found a plug and pulled it out, fearing that he was on his last breath of air. All the water drained out of the ocean and every aquatic animal of the sea starting to die of suffixation. He felt happy, and awoke next to a dead baby displacer beast that he had clearly night-terrored to death! Too bad he didn’t remember the encounter enough to gain some type of experience from it.

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Sex, Drugs and Pig-headed-she-males?
Underdark part 2

Urth avoided looting the cyclops so that he could fail at finding the secret passage the dead goblins used to avoid the cyclops. Tim searched the large stack of bones that the cyclops used as a bed – it was almost one-story high. Inside he found 2 potions, 1 exceptional piece of ammunition, and 7 gems that looked as if they were part of some equipment enchantment before the cyclops ate it (they did however miss the necklace of fireballs, which I found). Cavanaugh did not partake in any of the treasure, as the nude bard-monk was taking a vow of poverty and perverty.

It was right next to the immense amount of bones that the party thought looked like a perfect place to rest for an hour and catch their breath. Halfway through the hour, from the heavens fell a decapitated, skinned, drained carcass of a horse! It almost squashed Tim into a very fattening pancake!! Not wanting to interrupt their rest, the party just looked at the corpse, uninterested, until their hour was up.

Now that the party was rejuvenated, they noticed that the horse looked like it had been in a battle and had an arrow stuck in it. They also discovered a ladder on the wall climbing the spherical shaped room. The vertical part of the ladder seemed easy, but as it curved the ceiling it was for more difficult. Urth climbed first but fell to his death! was saved by feather fall that was cast upon him!

Annabelle tried next, with little difficulty. She made her way up and found a trapdoor. Without inspecting, she pushed the trap open causing a loud crash and scaring about 500 bats out of their cave! The bats were about to push Annabelle off the ladder when Urth saved the day by casting a wind spell which redirected the vermin into death.

After the crisis was averted, Annabelle climbed up the hatch looking for goods to lift (there were none). What there was, was a lot of was horse blood! Annabelle tied a rope to a notch in the trapdoor’s hardware, unfortunately she was short 10 or so feet and had to climb back down and get another rope and attach it to hers. (The party is now down to two 50-foot ropes, but who is counting?)

After the worst gym class they have ever done, the party climbed the rope and were at the room above the trap door. The place was dressed in wooden furniture and there was a demonic symbol marked above the trapdoor. The party lined up behind the sole door that wasn’t a 60 foot drop, and opened it like they owned the place.

The next room was not what they expected at all. I mean, who would have expected 4 acolytes surrounding a table with a pig-headed-she-male getting penetrated by a 5th acolyte!! Every member of the party’s mouth hung open in amazement – they could literally taste the sex that was steaming up their mouths.

Unfamiliar with demonic love making, the party wanted to punish the acolytes for what they now cannot unsee! Without questioning a thing, the party attacked! The acolytes spat acid left and right, but eventually fell one-by-one exploding into acid. The party noticed that all of the acolytes were female and Peldu was horny (not because of the live porn, but because he is a tiefling) and had one question, “How is that female penetrating the pig-headed-she-male??”. Cavanaugh responded quickly “Oh, I know how!”.

The party finished off the mounter-acolyte but waited to attack her last, (maybe it was like watching a car crash) letting her climax into the love of her life – the pig-headed-she-male. (It was beautiful, really). Right as the final acolyte fell, Cavanaugh rushed to look under its robe to figure out exactly how it was anatomically possible, letting on that he, in fact, “didn’t know at all”. She too turned into acid. Peldu tried to collect the acid in his water skin and it melted his water skin from his inventory sheet!

They cut the head off the pig-headed-she-male, but it was too late. It hatched out a small, winged demon from its ribcage. After just being born, the demon thought to itself, “Are you my mommy? Can I be your best friend forever and ever?” but was quickly disabused of that idea when the party didn’t hesitate to attack the thing. It tried to flee out the trapdoor, but Cavanaugh used the spell “mage hand” to hold it in place long enough for it to die quicker than it was conceived!

Annabelle went back down the trap door to retrieve their daggers/javelins wasting the party’s time, my time in writing it down, and now your time reading this. Thanks Annabelle!

After a long investigation, the party figured the sexual act could only have been possible by using the spell “mage dick”, which is an outlawed modified version of “mage hand”. Cavanaugh had an opportunity to modify his “mage hand” spell into “mage dick” permanently, but the nude bard-monk didn’t want to be perceived as “that guy”. Plus, he didn’t have any books or clothes to hide a “mage dick” if that spell ever accidentally went off.

The pig-head was still alive and started to roll away using its piggy teeth. Cavanaugh snatched up the head without thinking about where to put it (it was a little bitey and the nude bard-monk had things that he might not want bitten hanging out there). He tried to tie it to a rope, but it didn’t have a neck, you idiot!

The party asked it questions, forgetting that pigs don’t speak common. Tim then remembered he could communicate with animals, but was left without anything to ask. The head was confused about why it couldn’t feel its body. Finally the party came up with the best question they could think to ask a decapitated pig-head with the wits of a 3-year-old. “Have you seen more of this?” they asked, holding up a gold coin. The pig-head nodded (with the help from Cavanaugh) and explained that upstairs there was more shiny. Each party member got one acolyte robe with a resistance to acid.

What a perfect opportunity to rest inside this demonic dwelling for 8 hours without anyone keeping watch! Just lock the doors, lock your chastity belts and leave the rest to fate, or sleep assault!

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Welcome to the UnderDARK side!
Day 1

The party reflected on how this whole journey started in the Underdark Tavern and now here they are in the very place where the tavern got its name. Hoping of course, that the real Underdark didn’t provide them with twice-daily brawls, like the tavern did.

Annabelle was having a bad case of “buyers remorse” about their hasty decision to abandon all the wonders in the Wizard’s tower. They climbed back up the rope to the landing, then onward up the stairwell, until they were stopped by the magical ward. The ward was at the exact spot where the candles were extinguished. The ward was was obviously protecting the city of Baulder’s Gate from being overrun by hordes of baddies from the Underdark, and as far as the magical ward was concerned, the party was no different (with their new habit of murder and all).

Tim the apprentice got out his spell book that his master Waldorf promised him and inside it had a powerful spell “dispel magic”. So, Tim cast the spell and removed the ward, saving the day and they all traveled back into the tower… Wait, no, instead they threw 2 short swords at Waldorf and no such spell book was given. Rats!

They climbed back down the rope, leaving it there (and deducting it from their inventory of course). After surveying the cavern, that was about the same size of a football field, (if such a thing existed) they found that there were three caves leading in different directions. Along the western wall was a pile of rubble trickling with water, causing a small stream to then fill the very interesting puddle in the center of the cavern.

Losing all interest in the puddle and how the cavern wasn’t filling up with water, the party picked the path leading to the Northeast. The entry curved around while getting wider and wider still. Several switch-backs later and the cave was quite large indeed! Urth the cleric of Umberlee took point with a light spell cast on his shield. Urth heard a scurrying sound, but wasn’t alarmed at all and continued without investigation, or afterthought.

After awhile the path opened up into a spherical shaped room void of all stalactites or stalagmites. This room did not match the rest of the caverns at all. The only way to figure out what was inside this room was to throw a rock. And that is exactly what Tim the apprentice did. He threw a rock, alerting their presence to whatever evil lived there. Good thing it wasn’t a cyclops! Oh wait, it was a cyclops, a hungry one, and it was coming their way!
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Just when they thought matters couldn’t get any worse, four goblins jumped out of the shadows and grabbed Tim the fattest, juiciest one of the lot and started to drag him toward the cyclops for feeding time! (Hey, remember those sounds from before? Yeah, they were the goblins.)

At the sight of the one-eyed, no-pants menace, Cavanaugh the bard was “inspired” to run away to a safe distance, leaving the party behind. Tim muscled away from the weak goblins that were untrained in handling obese captives (not before shitting his pants). Peldu now finished his side quest “who had diarrhea on the Filthy Maiden”.

Urth called upon the powers of Umberlee and did a shock wave causing one goblin to get impaled by a stalagmite and another to die from death.

The party just finished up the goblins when the cyclops trampled through them to eat the impaled goblin. Tim got stepped on and was stuck in between the beasts toes. (The good thing about really obese people is that it is a known fact that they sweat butter, and this helped Tim jam out of the cyclops’ toe-jam). Annabelle ran in the direction of the bard, trying to compose herself and gather enough courage to battle the beast. Annabelle heard the weeping of the bard from the distance, and soon they both mustered enough courage for a sandwich, and returned to the battle.

Tim ran under the legs of the beast, almost getting a different type of impalement. Tim then ran as far away from the beast as he could, without even thinking about the possibility that there might be two of them.

Peldu the barbarian, decided that he REALLY HATED CYCLOPEES for no real reason, and threw a spear at it – again, for no real reason. Peldu was met with the worse kind of look from Urth. It was the kind of look that you get when you didn’t pull out from your girlfriend when you assured her and reassured her that you had the ability to do so. It was definitely a disappointing moment.

Urth, not being afraid of anything, walked right up to the thing’s leg and cast “cause wounds”. It fizzled and instead he cast “body massage”.

Four rounds went by of the party using every thing they got trying to slaughter this seemingly passive monstrosity while it gobbled up all the goblins. Maybe the cyclops was just misunderstood? Well, it was getting close to death itself and once it finished the last goblin, it started to attack. I figured that each swing from the overpowered cyclops would yield a 30% chance of NOT killing them outright. As luck would have it, 2 rounds later, the beast fell never to eat again.

Uninterested in looting the corpse or gutting its insides for treasure that it may have eaten, they moved on to investigate the room. I never actually saw a cyclops in person before, and besting the foe was a great feat indeed. I really picked a wonderful group to follow this time! Even I knew that the centric eye of the beast was worth quite a fortune. I spent a good while carefully removing the thing and kept it well preserved in my bag of holding, which I took earlier from the wizard’s tower! And my intuition served quite fruitful because not only did I find a dispel-magic scroll inside the bowels of the beast, I found an alive kitten and was legendarily cute!

Cavanaugh was quite touched by the encounter with the cyclops, and like him the bard took off all his clothes and decided to pursue a career as a naked monk-bard!

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Baulder's Gate, where u at girl?
Part 1

Upon reaching the shore, the party soon realized that the whole city region of Baulder’s Gate was completely gone. Like gone, gone. Like totally gone! Only a seemingly mechanically-made crater remains. Without any sort of inspection (besides looking up), Urth the cleric of Umberlee walked right in the crater, without any detriment (or so it seemed). The sole remaining structure was a 15-story tower inside the crater.

While on the boat, Cavanaugh mangled his flute while trying to carve a point into it for the purpose of making it a flute-dagger. Its awful sound reflected their misfortune as he played while they marched.

The party traveled across the crater to save time (instead of going around), bypassing the tower. Their destination was a group of common folk on the outskirts of town. There were maybe 200 confused travelers sharing the same questions as the party, “What happened to the city?”. Among them were many lost souls with tons of side quests, merchants and anything else a group of young adventures would need. The only one of them that held any interest was a musician who had market valued flutes for sale.

Cavanaugh, tried to barter with the musician but he had no money or wealth to barter with. So, he did what every spoiled brat bard would do in this desperate time, he charmed the musician. His charm spell worked, but not well enough to get a free unscathed flute. Rather, he got himself a trade (dagger-flute -1, for flute). This would have to suffice and the party would have to leave before the spell wore off. Cavanaugh took a couple minutes to try again to make himself a dagger-flute. This time he was successful, to the extent that it would work as a dagger, but he might cut himself if he tried to use it as a flute.

Captain Morris, heartbroken and broke decided to escort the unfortunate band of travelers to the nearest town for a small fortune. Groll also went with Morris as the party completely forgot about the gold he owed them, and about him for that matter. Cap’n Morris offered them a piece of his fortune for their assistance, but the party turned him down, for their interest in the tower in the crater far outweighed his offer.

The party reached the tower and felt a very strong magic energy radiating from it. The tower sat 50 feet in the air on a pile of earth that also seemed unaffected by whatever mystery that happened upon Baulder’s Gate. After some skillful climbing and acrobatics, the party found themselves at the entry way of the tower. Urth tried to open the door, but it sprang back like rubber. “You must have permission to enter here,” the tower bellowed. This made Urth quite agitated and he had to resist the urge to bash the tower into oblivion. The other party members said, “May we come in?” almost ‘n sync (ain’t no lie baby bye, bye, bye), and the door opened ominously.

Inside, the tower was ornately decorated with artifacts wealthy grandmothers would drop their panties over. The party felt a strong humming sound inside the tower. All Peldu could think of was, “Is there anything I can burn?” Apart from a wooden door and the carpet, the answer was, “NO”. (Btw, the boat wasn’t even done burning on the ocean). The room seemed like a museum. Rare magic items were behind quarts display cases. Each item seemed to house some magical properties and once belonged to a historic figure of importance. Annabelle wasn’t feeling very kleptic today and didn’t try to take a single thing. The large entry room lead to two other rooms and a large staircase on the far side. After reading a couple of the elven descriptions of the artifacts, they got bored and moved on to one of the rooms.

Again Urth opened the door but was met with the rubber ward. This time the question was, “What do you desire the most?”. Tim answered, “To find out what happened to Baulder’s Gate”, and the door opened the same as before. This room was the same as the previous one, except that all the items belonged to the same legendary man, Churix Maltang. Among the items was a bright suit of plate mail armor that Urth was trying to find a way to justify procuring for himself. After more boring reading, the party went out to investigate the other room and were met with the same door-ward.

“What are your crimes?” the tower asked. Urth responded, “Killing those dwarves in Waterdeep?”. The tower did not believe that Urth thought that to be a crime, and it was right. Cavanaugh said that the worst thing he ever did was throw those two short swords at Waldorf. The tower believed he felt remorseful and it opened. Inside was a room similar to the last except it was ransacked – broken quarts scattered everywhere. Did this spark Annabelle’s urge to do a little ransacking of her own? Nope. This room was idolizing a great hero known as St… Wait, no, they just left and went to the stairs.

The winding stairwell went in both directions. Above, they figured there were 15 floors of mystery to be uncovered. Below, they thought… let’s go down instead! The staircase was lined with candles that got dimmer as they descended. Cavanaugh took one of the bright ones and it didn’t lessen as he descended. Finally about 15 floors down the candles were out and the party found themselves on a landing with nothing but a hole into the darkness. Urth illuminated some ball bearings and threw some down the hole and he figured it was a couple of ropes away from making the climb.

The humming sound from the tower was almost completely gone and the party was left with a conundrum. The thing Tim desired the most in this world was to uncover the mystery of Baulder’s Gate’s disappearance, and the sole lead they had must be within the walls of the wizard’s tower. But on the other hand there was water down below, what was that all about?

The party climbed down the hole which opened up into a huge cavern with so many stalactites and stalagmites one would think they were breeding up in here. Soon, the party was attacked by an Ankheg. There was acid, smashing, pinching and Peldu almost got eaten, but in the end they survived! Urth got 9/12 pieces of Ankheg to make plate armor out of.

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WHY ARE WE STILL ON THIS BOAT??
Day 4-7

Day 5
The party decided that they utterly hated the sea and wanted this part of their lives to end sooner rather than later. To increase their travel speed, they all took turns rowing instead of sleeping. Rowing, combined with the wind at their sail, was the only way they would reach Balder’s Gate before running out of food (seeing as they thew half of their stock overboard). It was now almost 48 hours of no sleep for the brave party. For the second night in a row, some winged beast was soaring round topside.

After getting a closer look, they soon identified the creatures as harpies. Two harpies to be exact, and they were circling the sail playing some sort of harpy game. They were swooping at each other, sometimes crashing into the sail causing it to tear. This would not do, it’s morphin’ time!

Peldu the barbarian climbed up the mast to the crow’s nest and tied himself to it, while nearly getting hit by unfazed harpies. Urth was waiting with mace in hand until one was within range, then he smashed it in the back, grounding it. One beautifully executed execution later Annabelle was covered in blood and feathers (this reminds me of college, but I digress). The remaining harpy sang a song – the most amazing song Tim has ever heard, but to everyone else it sounded like a dog choking on a chicken bone. This song gave the porky apprentice the sudden urge to run off the deck and splash down into the sea (good thing he cannot swim). The bard Cavanaugh really wanted to cast feather fall on Tim, but decided against it for personal reasons.

Peldu, in a leap of faith jumped from the crow’s nest to heroically finish off the last harpy. Instead, he missed it and swung back and forth from the rope like of a pendulum on a grandfather clock. Finally, Annabelle chopped off the remaining harpy’s wings, and followed by decapitating her. Showing Peldu and the rest of the party that she was scared of nothing, she also leaped into the sea to save the drowning gnome. A rope and big heave later, the party was together again and Annabelle was clean for the first time in her life. The party all looked at her in slow motion as she shook the water off her hair seductively. “Woah”, was the only thought inside Peldu’s mind. The party went back to their stations, like the previous nights. Peldu had the luxury of cleaning up Annabelle’s mess on the deck, and mixed in with the harpy blood and guts, the barbarian was pretty sure someone had diarrhea.

Day 6

The party was showing physical problems due to their exhaustion. And they took this opportunity to get some shut eye. Instead, they got a visit from a large extraterrestrial storm which tossed the boat like Tim tossed his lunch. All hands were summoned on deck to keep the Filthy Maiden afloat. All party members came to the call, except Urth. He knew Umberlee was protecting him and instead slept like a babe on its mother’s bosom.

It took a combined effort but 12 hours later they survived the “storm of storms”, as they were calling it. Well, almost everyone… One of the crewmen fell overboard due to not having enough strength to fashion a rope to bind down the sail. “If only the cleric were here to help…”, he thought to himself as he choked down sea water at the bottom of the ocean. Umberlee excepted the homage given by the cleric, and was pleased. I noticed Peldu moving barrels around in the night, oh, it’s probably nothing.

Day 7
They approached Baulder’s Gate, hungry, broken, exhausted, thirsty and apparently someone had the runs. Captain Morris was distraught. Exclaiming it was gone! The party inquired and he elaborated “Baulder’s Gate, you imbecile!!”, the party looked onward and followed the captain’s gaze. Nothing was there, just a gigantic crater about the size of the whole city of Baulder’s Gate!

Captain Morris loaded Groll and his treasure and the party into his personal row boat – well almost all the party. They were waiting for Peldu who was holding them all up. Little did they know the barrels he moved around the night before were filled with oil, and he placed them in key positions on the ship for some reason. He went into the crew quarters and knocked over a lantern, starting a small fire. “You dick”, I thought to myself as I jumped off the boat nearly getting caught in the explosion that soon followed! Urth, with the wind in his hair looked at the fire.

I am not quite sure what happened on the rowboat because I had to swim to shore like a fucking immigrant. But what I did notice was that the Captain was devastated by the loss of his only true love – the Filthy Maiden. The 4 remaining crewmen burned alive on the vessel, along with the party’s access to a 30,000-gold boat with a crew and captain willing to take them anywhere, anytime, for no payment!

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I'M ON A BOAT MOTHERFRUITY!!!
Day 3-4

Day 3
The party started their shift the same as always – the bard taking starboard, the apprentice puking his brains out and the barbarian not using the fishing pole he paid the inn keeper so handsomely to acquire for him. While in mid-heave, the Filthy Maiden jumped up, causing the apprentice to finish outputting his insides on the sun deck instead of over the side. The barbarian witnessed this and thought to himself “fuck my life”. Then a strange thing happened – more liquid came back to the apprentice than he expelled. Thinking this was strange, he tasted his own bile. It was saltier than he had remembered it being.

The cleric of Umberlee checked the lower decks, and his fears were realized. They were sinking! A piece of wreckage had punctured the hull. There were many options on how to remedy this situation, but they all couldn’t agree on one single “great” idea. The cleric of Umberlee’s idea was to smash the sail into the hull killing all the crew and taking the life boats (which were just planks of wood with the word “pray” written on them) and swim 50 miles to shore… while wearing heavy armor. The rogue wanted to steal all the riches/weapons from the crew then abandon the ship (ignoring the chest of wealth inside Groll’s quarters). The apprentice had the idea to take the cork materials out of their food supply barrels and plug the hole. While the barbarian wanted to set the whole ship ablaze and burn it down!

Not knowing what to do, the party woke up the captain and crew to bail them out (literally). After exploring their options, they decided to use the cork from the food, but they had to get rid of the resources inside the barrels due to the rat population. The cork seemed to be holding, and the party had to stay up all night and day bailing out the boat. Now they were sea sick AND exhausted.

Day 4
The party was running 24 hours without a wink of sleep. They felt in a dream-world half awake, half asleep. They heard strange screeching sounds, not knowing if they were real or not. The rogue noticed something large in the air which was blocking out the light of the stars and moon as it flew by. They thought it was an illusion due to the sleep deprivation, but if that were true how come they all could see it? It seemed to be circling them, and getting closer. The barbarian had the great idea of lighting a torch to improve their vision. The cleric of Umberlee quickly ran up to the barbarian and with a single motion, punched out the barbarian and extinguished the torch at the same time.

But it was too late, the winged creature noticed the light source and landed directly on the deck, which shook the whole vessel! The boat-quake caused the apprentice to fall overboard. His master Waldorf taught him reflective spell casting, which involves letting your instincts cast your spells when in dire situations. And his teachings proved well today, as the apprentice cast feather fall upon himself, causing him to float close enough to the lower deck and grab on to a fender.

The rest of the party hid (or, so they thought they were hidden) and confirmed that this was in fact a small baby dragon in between the size of a horse and an elephant. None of them ever thought these mythical beats were real! But there it stood, a mere 40 feet away. Everyone coward in fear, except the cleric of Umberlee who knew his god would protect him in this watery domain.

The cleric ran to the wheel and turned it hard left while the rogue untied the sail’s lanyard. This caused the boom to smash into the beast, pushing it off the deck. The menace screeched loudly, but managed to flap its wings before hitting the ocean. The cleric of Umberlee quickly changed course of the boat heading to shore! It was about an hour before the rest of the party stopped cowering, though the sounds of the beast were gone.

In the morning C. Morris was furious at the sate of his belove-boat, and off-course no less. The party tried to explain what happened, but no one bought it! Finally, the crew thought to look on the boom to see if there was any evidence of what happened.

Luckily for them, I was stowed-away unnoticed and collected 3 dragon scales from the boom last night. Hearing their plight, I placed one back where I found it and quickly hid in the shadows.

Upon finding the extremely rare dragon scale, the captain and crew praised the party for being heroes of the sea! C. Morris claimed that from this day forward they can use the Filthy Maiden anytime for transport, as they were worthy passengers!

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