Players Are Stupid

Spring Break in Sodomorea

The party found themselves at the grand entrance of the old city of Sodomorea. Music and screams plagued their ears as they approached. Upon entering this city they realized that the river not only ran throughout the city, but was a major focal point within’ the city’s structure. The river filled the canals separating each district, and restricted each district by a single bridge leading across each sector. The whole city was experiencing a special brand of havoc, seeing as there was a tremendous amount of looting, rioters, public nudity, and anything nefarious one would expect at the Rodney King verdict.

Peldu was determined to figure out the mystery of this foul city-scape, so he grabbed the next person who came by him for the purpose of strong-arming him for information. The problem with this was that the person he grabbed was not above hurting a stranger who got in his way. And that is what he did. He instantly stabbed the barbarian multiple times in the gut, leaving him close to death’s door, but luckily for Peldu, Death was not home at the moment. Suffice to say, Peldu got his question answered with a big “FUCK YOU”. Instead of going the safe route through the mushroom crops that seemed to be unoccupied by destruction, the party opted to “blend in”. Cavanaugh was already nude, so this plan wasn’t such a long shot. They ran past a group of people whipping a brute of a man, who then grabbed hold of the whip and started to retaliate against his assailants. They walked past many similar incidences that would make a lawful character stop and help, but these were not lawful people. They seemed to fit right in at Sodomorea! Did they find home?

They managed to get to the other side of the merchant district without any trouble, and they found the stream splintered off and lead out of town to the west. They opted to continue over the bridge to the residential district. While on the bridge, Cavanaugh (the most attractive one of the bunch) was approached by a topless lady, who was a solid Underdark 8 by anyone’s standards (which is the same as a surface girl 4). She propositioned the bard for an intimate night to celebrate the “end of days”. He turned her down flat, as he would rather have felt his own touch than that of a women who wouldn’t know the first thing about “how he liked it”. Insulted, the woman slapped the bard across the face and found another prospect down the road. Side note: They fell in love for one night that was so filled with passion that even Sune, the God of love watched and marveled!

Down the road they were approached by some brutes that were protecting the district after being privately contracted to do so. It was clear this town was void of any laws, or law enforcers. And these guardians were the only thing keeping the looters out. The party paid off the rent-a-brutes with gold, and gained entry to a local bar that was still standing. This seedy establishment was not even close to occupancy, but the party took a table and sot out information. Peldu who was very close to death wouldn’t stop uttering the word “bed”, as to indicate where he wished he was. Everyone ignored his request until Urth could “stands it no more”, and popped a heal on the poor bastard just to shut him up. After dropping more than a few coin, they found that a cult of some sort came into town a month or so ago with tales of the Apocalypse and first rid the town of all opposition. After hearing the news, Urth was concerned that it might be the same cult of doppelganger-mees, and he didn’t want to get spotted. (It was a devil cult btw, totally different). Urth dropped a precious gem on the table and asked the female barkeep to acquire him a cloak, and I mean fast!

The barkeep took the rare gem and spoke with a slender and somewhat shady looking figure in the corner of the establishment. After a suspicious nod, the shady figure stood up, and walked over to a patron drinking alone. The slim-shady figure slit the patrons neck, killing him instantly. He then removed the cloak from the corpse and handed it over to the barkeep. Everyone surely noticed this unfortunate occurrence, although they didn’t seem phased by it. Urth happily took the cloak and rushed the party outside, back into the chaos. There were plenty of inns where they could get their barrings, but Urth didn’t wish to stay in this wretched town any longer than absolutely necessary. They decided to scout around town some more and they arrived at the huge dam located on the north side of the town. Annabelle decided to climb the dam cliff, but it was covered in algae and she slipped and hurt her tuckas!

Tim had the great idea to swim across the canal, which was being fed from the bottom of the dam. He wanted to scout out the other district, so he took some rope and tied it around him. Why did they pick the Mage with the lowest armor and hit points? Well, he is fat, and he does float very easily…. oh right, the water breathing potion didn’t wear off yet. Tim jumped right in the canal and noticed that the water was quite freezing and hypothermia was imminent. That is, if the baby hydras didn’t eat him first! Tim tried to out swim the eel-looking younglings. He didn’t give up though, he swam like a fat piece of bait and they bit like he was a fat piece of bait! He was about to reach the other side, when his body turned motionless as he ran out of life. The rest of his friends reeled in the fat piece of bait, and again the baby hydras started to chew him up; again like a fat piece of bait! He almost died forever, but was saved by his swol companions. They gained no insight or information for this great swim, and if they only walked around to the bridge they would have saved a lot of time and energy. Tim now knew that, damn it, he tastes good. It was a question he had always had, but auto-cannibalism gave him the heebie-jeebies. So, their next task was apparent – get to a general store, and possibly get some Mardi Gras beads!

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The Mystery of the Great Kobold Migration
Take two

The party was met with a dilemma – ask the 30 some-odd kobolds about their great migration, or attack them for the mass amount of experience the low-level beasties would yield. (What do you think they did?) Cavanaugh threw a bangerang at a kobold and killed him with a one-shot. Annabelle was next to act and instead of helping anyone out, she ran away and just sat there wasting her action without using any of her plethora of ranged weapons: 6 daggers, 1 longbow, 2 hand crossbows tied to her belt, merely inches from her fingertips. (She wouldn’t want to draw any fire away from the party).

Next the kobolds ran up on the party. Urth managed to crack one over the head killing it outright, as his protective stance proved to be useful. Which was quite the opposite of Annabelle’s stance of doing absolutely nothing. Once a kobold was next to each of the party members (except Annabelle) the poorly equipped vermin decided to throw rocks, and debris at them while gaining advantage. Cavanaugh did some impressive kicks and punches, feeling great about murdering these child-sized beasts. The kobolds were weak, but they were many. After 30 some-odd attacks, the party was looking quite tired (even though they just napped for 8-hours). Tim felt no remorse about his next action, which involved a fireball blast that ended up burning 24 kobolds alive in a huge blaze of glory. Even God didn’t have a mage hand big enough to put out that fire.

Once most of the threat was screaming in pain, Annabelle decided to join the fight, only to then retreat again. A couple swings and stabs later they were down to one kobold who was fleeing for his life. They murdered him in the back like a coward… or woman. As the blaze continued, the party was getting quite hungry, specifically for BBQ. Annabelle had the gall to ask if there was any loot of value, either A: burning in the great fire, or on any of the peasants who were fighting with sticks and rocks. They went back and forth on how to get past the rest of the migrating kobolds. Finally, Urth decided that he was going to plow through them and run perpendicular to their route. Once they reached the path, however, they noticed that the kobolds had already moved on to the west, as they saw their torches up ahead. They didn’t want to follow the kobolds as they figured they must be going toward a dragon, and who in the hell wants a dragon’s horde of loot? Nobody that is who! They also didn’t want to go the way the kobolds came from because… just because okay? It seemed the band of kobolds were there just to make sure the party wasn’t going to do anything to disrupt their migration. So, the mystery of the great kobold migration will stay a mystery for a little while longer, as the party took no interest in this historic event that would change the events of our lives in the near future.

They continued to follow the stream, and about 12 seconds later they heard some horrible screams from many monsters that came for the BBQ but stayed for the campfire! The group found a sign in many languages, most of which were crossed off. Tim used his “read language” spell and he realized they all said the same thing, “Sodomorea —>” They continued following the sign, when the party heard a strange sound and it was coming from within their group. It was the sound twap, twap, twap. Finally Annabelle realized it was Cavanaugh’s manhood flapping against his naked body, this realization was the tipping point that lead to her to a lifetime of lesbianism.

No one was perceptive enough to notice the slow construct of Devon’s design that surprise slashed at them with the battlecry “Where is my 2 dollars!?!” The greedy party wanted to keep the money they stole from the sex-cult. So, instead of emptying their pockets they decided to fight the thing… tooooo the death… until someone died… permanently! It put a hunters mark upon Annabelle who was carrying the majority of the stolen goods. There were many people in the way of his objective and each had at least one coin upon their belongings. Urth used a spell slot and used shatter upon the beast which was quite effective. Annabelle ran around like a chick with her head cutoff (as usual). The stone guardian bashed Cavanaugh causing him to drop to the ground, bleeding out. The guardian then hit Peldu so hard that his clothes went out of style. (Wait were they ever in style?) He also dropped to the ground in a near death experience. Urth healed his fallen friend, Cavanaugh. The party was really getting banged up, but in the end they turned that stone-statue guy into a stone rock-pile, dead guy.

Meanwhile, back on the ranch, Devon sat as his magical amulet (the party could have looted if they killed him) faded from its glowing aura. “Damn that thing!”, he scoffed. Devon went up his stairs to the large pentagram shaped room above. Inside he found a particularly hungry demon that was MUCH stronger than any of the guardians he sent to retrieve his stolen loot. “Fly my pretty!”, he commanded as he let loose the winged beast. Given that Devon now knew their exact location, and knowing the speed the demon could fly, he estimated the party would be dead in about 9 hours. Tick-tock, people.

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This Encounter Bugs the Crap out of Me
Not that I am full of crap...

Instead of gaining the spell “fly” Tim the apprentice choose to learn a magical hut that allows him and his friends safe slumbers inside their cramped 10’ X 10’ tent. Without a way to exit the Underdark (again) the party was stultified in regards to how to proceed. Maybe backtrack to the spiders? No. Maybe go all the way back to the rope master? No. How about going back to Urthtopia for help only a day or so after they left (28 days earlier than they promised)? No. They finally settled on going back to the river and following it upstream. Everyone loves water right?

On their way they noticed a small creature standing next to a larger mechanical one. They made it quite clear they they were not interested in conversing with the thing and moved around it at a safe distance. While passing it, Tim noticed it was a gnome and his mech-suit, and he and Annabelle both wanted to investigate… after the fact. As they suspiciously doubled back, the creature stopped cleaning his vessel and jumped inside it and prepared for battle. Tim spoke with him in a surface-gnomish dialect that the ground gnome found borderline offensive. Tim simply wanted to gain free information from him, like directions to the surface and that information almost cost them all their lives as the gnome was getting quite tired of their line of questioning. He felt strongly against anything that allowed his flesh to burn from the harmful rays of the great fireball in the sky. Tim cleverly (cough) asked if the gnome “wanted to get deeper in the Underdark” which way would he go, thinking his reverse psychology would go unnoticed. The gnome pointed down, and Tim was outsmarted yet again. Cavanaugh spoke to him in goblin which made him rage inside and put his hand over the “missile button” inside his mech-suit. Finally, they realized that this was a huge waste of time for everyone involved and they bid the gnome farewell, after Peldu noticed the war symbols on the suit. The mech-gnome sent out a drone to follow the party and broadcast their location to his war party for possible extermination. Maybe next time they won’t approach a battle gnome in a hostile manor.

The party skipped rocks as they went upstream, until they heard the sounds of pitter-patter feet up ahead. They scouted up ahead to reveal that their path was being blocked by a seemingly endless stream of kobolds migrating. The party did the most logical thing – wait 1 hour… wait 2 hours… wait 3 hours… wait 4 hours…. Holy crap, that was a lot of kobold! Finally, they said “fuck it” and setup their magical hut and rested for 8 more hours. The awoke feeling quite itchy and scratchy. They were covered in bugs!!!

“Wait, I call bullshit,” Tim said, “This is a magical hut, no bugs can come in”. Then it was explained to them that the night imp had placed eggs upon their worldly possessions last time they rested and found their stuff in a big pile. Too bad they were too busy to even check.

Every member was covered in crustacean-like bugs that were swarming. Annabelle cast “dancing light” hoping to trick the bugs and GM into thinking it was the poor man’s “minor illusion” spell (in hopes to mesmerize the critters into going towards the light). Tim ran toward the water as they were biting him. Annabelle was quick to follow! Urth, on the other hand, had an idea. He used “thunderwave” to push the bugs off himself and Peldu. Unfortunately, he pushed Cavanaugh off the bugs. Both bug and human alike took damage from the attack (except Tim and Annabelle, who were out of range playing in the river). Cavanaugh tried to help by using mage hand to carry a “potion of water breathing” a couple feet away from Tim. Tim used his nature skills to figure out that (without the potion) if he went underwater long enough, the bugs would drown at about the same time he would. That didn’t stop him from doing it anyway… forgetting about the potion that was literally handed to him. While Tim was attempting suicide, Cavanaugh took off his enchanted robe of acid resistance and set it on fire to alert all things in the Underdark upon their location and in the hopes that the bugs were fucking morons and were attracted to killing themselves as much as Tim was. Their brains were the size of a pea, but they still weren’t that dumb. After one more spell slot used, the 2nd thunderwave killed 2 of the swarms. “Mage hand” was used again to try and waste an action, along with put out the fire. Annabelle was facing her own fears attacking her swarm. Urth came to her rescue with a swing of his mace and smashed the swarm.

Tim was successfully drowning himself and the bugs when Cavanaugh took it upon himself to go underwater and force feed Tim the potion of water breathing. And the final swarm did drown a minute later. The party again forgot to check their equipment for more eggs because they were met by a small band (or large platoon) of kobolds!

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I Challenge Thee, to Thine Duel
motherfruity

Peldu was very close to leveling up and gaining new abilities. Instead of finding a couple of rodents to farm, he challenged Cavanaugh (who was also close to leveling) to a duel. The both agreed to the terms and the fight ensued! Cavanaugh made some distance between himself and Peldu and proceeded to kite him around like Benjamin Franklin, throwing his bangerang with great precision. Peldu didn’t want to throw his only ranged weapon, Britney, until of course he did, after not being able to hit the bard-monk. He uttered, “You drive me crazy”. He hit the monk for good damage, but that was all he had. Instead of running up, picking back up his trusty spear, and continuing to throw the thing (rinse and repeat), he gave up on the range game and just kept running after the sly opponent like a chicken with its head cut off.

Finally, Cavanaugh missed with the bangerang which caused it to go off into the distance… Now a HONEY BADGER was in the mix! Popping out of its hole, causing ½ a damage to Peldu, then back to burrowing underground. This continued round after round. Peldu would get close enough to the bard-monk, but was left without action in order to attack. Then it happened again… the bangerang missed again, and again went off into the distance. But this time a GIANT SNAKE (snake, oh, it’s a snake) came into the mix, spitting poison at Peldu! It was a little sad that the snake’s acid damage was producing more pain to the barbarian than Cavanaugh had done with his bangerang.

Finally Peldu could stands it no more and started to attack the snake. They went toe to toe for a couple of rounds, and soon it met its end. Annabelle cheered and gave advice as to what each of them “should” be doing. Many times they took a moment to check the rules on duels, just to make sure someone wasn’t “cheating”. Back to running around after Cavanaugh was the most logical solution for Peldu. It was like watching Benny Hill, but in slow motion and without the TNA. (In other words, a total waste of time.) Peldu couldn’t really catch the bard-monk, but every 3rd turn he would get close enough for one stab, then it would be back to chasing-town. (If only he looted the dryad instead of the spider, and got its enchanted bow).

Then one last miss from the bangerang brought about a very slow MUSHROOM to the mix! But before it could do anything cool, Cavanugh cast a sleep spell causing Peldu to slink down on the floor and proceed to suckle on his thumb (awww). He did look cute, but not cute enough to stop Cavanaugh from slitting his throat!!! Don’t worry guys, he healed the sleeping-dead friend afterward and they both had a laugh, and a level. The real reward was all the bragging rights that Cavanaugh had and vowed to remind Peldu on a daily basis or, “God shall punish me if I shall forget!”

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This is my Scepter, this is my Gun.
This is for fighting, this is for fun!

Everyone was fatigued from their encounter with the spiders, so they insisted on being prepared to battle the Mind Flayer with an 8 hour rest. Annabelle took 2nd watch and Peldu did the 1st. The logic was that the two who were keeping watch didn’t need to recover any spells and the melee people only needed an hour. During the first hour, Peldu noticed something scurrying out in the shadows. He armed himself and commanded it to leave. This only provoked it into casting a sleep spell that only made Peldu wish he had a Redbull. Then the little creature shot at Peldu with a sleep dart. This caused him to follow the little guy at a safe distance. It continued to shoot at him and the barbarian finally got close enough to it in order to stab the little imp. On a successful hit, the green creature let out a yelp and dropped a tasty piece of chicken. On the next successful hit it dropped a blue potion, then it quickly ran away!

Peldu picked up his new found dinner and planned on eating it alone without sharing, but before he could, the sleeping poison that was inside the Imp’s blowdart started to sink in. And there Peldu fell asleep, 50 feet from the party, with a tasty piece of chicken in one hand, and the blue sleep antidote in the other.

The party awoke 16 hours later, and someone had forgotten to wake up Annabelle for her shift! Everyone noticed that they were naked and all of their belongings were piled up next to them. Cavanaugh took a “long look” at Annabelle as she fetched her things. (It seems like a rather crude thing for a monk to leer at an underage girl… Wait I take that back, it is par for the course.) All the gold was mixed together, so they each divided it amongst themselves for what they remembered having. While gathering their things, Urth figured out that his plate mail was really a passive, mimic beast that would attack him any time something critically hit him. But that was fair in his mind and sluffed off that bit of information. There was only 1 hour left to save Steve the urthling, and guide, out of the Underdark! They wasted 30 minutes or so trying to figure out a plan on how to out-smart the mind flayer. The only problem was that they were not smarter than him. Tim wanted to make an illusion of the scepter and try to pass that off as the real one with the help of mage hand, but everyone else just wanted to go in guns-a-blazin’. Everyone agreed that the scepter was way too powerful to give back, and it was an item well worth dying for. Urth was even interested in the scepter and voiced that he may have to muscle it off of Tim, if an opportunity presented itself.

They rushed to the spot where they left their companion, only this time they had strategic (and paranoid) positioning – Tim in the back with his protector Annabelle and Urth, Peldu and Cavanaugh leading point. Once they got to the spot, they noticed Steve facing away from them, but there was no mind flayer nor the flumph. The members in the front created more distance from Tim in order to investigate. They called out to Steve… no answer. Urth touched his worshiper’s shoulder… it fell over and his scalp popped off revealing the empty skull where Steve’s brain once was. Urth wasn’t broken up over this discovery in the least. Cavanaugh noticed a piece from his book “La Gioia Del Sesso”, which judging by the slime on it, the mind flayer either wiped his face or his ass with it.

Out of the shadows the flumph approached the party scared and hesitant. Urth demanded to know the location of their foe, as he was not too fond of trickery after the unfortunate incident with the followers of Lolth. The Flumph explained that the mind flayer ate Steve’s brain when he sensed that Tim had used the scepter, and knowing how powerful it is he deduced that a battle was imminent. But all could be avoided if they gave back what doesn’t belong to them, as promised. Urth declined the flumphs offer by ripping the beast’s face in half. (wait, wasn’t it Urth who decided to not leave the Underdark with Steve in order to help this Flumph find its cloister even after his God Umberlee warned him about the dangers ahead?) And now they were 0/2 guides who were able to help them find the surface world. Cavanaugh cast a detect magic spell in order to locate the mind flayer but he wasn’t in range (maybe if he was closer to Tim he could have detected the mind flayer stalking him).

Out of game: The DM voiced that he needed to look up a spell called “dominate monster”.

Annabelle, despite being Tim’s “protector”, for NO REASON KNOWN TO HER CHARACTER ran far far away from Tim. Maybe it was the idea that Tim might get dominated with a double-damage scepter in his possession and he just learned the “fireball” spell… but she wouldn’t have known that, hmmm. No one knew what to do to locate the mind flayer. If only Urth had remembered that he had a “locate object” spell, and that the mind flayer had Cavanaugh’s book in his possession. There was even a clue (the page covered in slime) of that fact left to remind them… Nope…

Well, Tim did get dominated by the mind flayer and made him cast double damage “magic missile” at Cavanaugh as a diversion. Even though Tim was dominated he was trying to argue that the mind flayer “only cast one missile, he didn’t say he shot the maximum 3”. The sad thing was that Tim wasn’t trying to play dumb, he was actually dumb. Cavanaugh was close to death’s door, but he wasn’t ready to knock quite yet. The dominatrix made Tim walk right up to his hiding place and hand him the artifact of his desires. Easy peasy. If only one party member was close to Tim, they would have known what was happening and maybe prevented it. Urth knew that magic missile never misses its mark and knew something was a miss. He went close to where Tim was to investigate, and figured that this area was the best strategic place for an ambush. And soon he located, Tim and in turn the flayer.

Peldu ran up but was too far to get close enough to do anything, at all, what-so-ever. Tim decided to cast fireball upon everyone except himself and his mind flayer master. Well, he didn’t exactly decide to do that on his own, but he did it nevertheless. Urth had 1 HP left and everyone else hit by the fireball wasn’t looking their best. Peldu tried to attack Tim to disrupt the dominate spell, but missed his 11 armor class… Wait what?? If they mind flayer reduces anyone to 0 HP their brain is automatically devoured by the fiend, no take backs! I am just going to put this in perspective so you can all understand what they did next. Urth cast shatter upon Tim and the mind flayer instead of healing himself, using the instant kill weapon the urthlings gave him, or running away. Even Peldu didn’t arm his stone sword that could have also instantly killed the mind flayer, if he critically hit the thing. This was the most important item they have ever seen, yet they must have been dumb-struck with item-lust or something.

Each player attacked the mind flayer and Tim was finally free from its domination without the use of the safe word. It was a Rodney King moment for sure, except in this moment Rodney had a “Plannar Shift” spell that he used to exit this dimension and
enter another one, and instead of a video camera. I was fiercely jotting down the events as they unfolded in my journal. Just like that, the scepter was gone, along with all of its wonders, power and mystique. Tim felt worse about himself than he ever had felt before, and he vowed to never stop searching until that scepter was his again.

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You Brainwash, I'll Braindry
Stick a needle in your eye

The party wanted to find their short-lost friend Urth, but were hesitant as to marching orders, tactics or directions on how to proceed. They were really lost without the surly-zealot, that was evident. Finally, they decided to follow the tracks heading west. Annabelle scouted ahead with two loaded crossbows that were attached to her hip, got struck by some webbing, and was left without an exit strategy. She didn’t want to accidentally misfire her crossbow again, and hurt herself… again. So, she unloaded two bolts into thin air (and waved them like she just don’t care). After readying her sword she chopped her way out of there, and they continued on.

The webbing became more and more abundant and the tracks became less visible. They finally reached a light in the distance. Tim the brave (is what we are now calling him), successfully stealthed up to investigate. There was Urth, watching a propaganda illusion that was being projected in the air with a pro-spider agenda! Urth, the cleric of Umberlee, was not restrained in any way and it seemed he was willingly “buying into this garbage”. Around him were two giant spiders and an even gianter’ spider being ridden by a man (actually, it was a dryad). Annabelle was thinking about sneaking up there to get a look when, “Boo,” Peldu teased as he wasn’t even noticed by Tim when he snuck up to him.
They gleaned that a rescue was in order, and tried to draw the spiders out of their lair. A tactical spell (with double damage granted from the scepter) from Tim did the trick, and they both ran back to the party flailing their arms like children. Annabelle awaited, ready to slice the first baddie that was next to Peldu (he was growing on her, and maybe soon in her). Urth was conflicted. During his 1st hour of watching imagery of spiders eating giants and taking down the Berlin wall, it seemed foolish and bad CGI to him, but by hour 6 it was starting to make a lot of sense. He heard Lolth, the spider queen’s voice commanding him to protect the predaceous arachnids.

What Tim and Peldu didn’t expect was that the arthropods would come for them on the ceiling, by using their webbed path. Annabelle was also disappointed because she had her sword out and her crossbows were empty. Peldu was not about to throw his spear, Britney, at the spider rider because he knew it was toxic! 3 shots from the dryad left Tim feeling a little less awesome, and the webbing that engulfed his feet from the giant spider made him feel like lieutenant Dan. But, he wasn’t scared (like lieutenant Dan during that storm where he went toe-to-toe with God, and he and Forrest were the lone survivors of the storm, and created the Bubba Gump Shrimp Co.)

Urth ran away from the orb and cast fog cloud over Tim to help rescue himself. Instead, however, he put the chubby egomaniac in a full-nelson, giving a clear shot for the dryad (it must have been Lolth’s influence). Cavanaugh threw his bangerang which missed, missed, missed, and then went off into the distance… and hit something! Adding another spider to the mix! The next round Tim was hit by another 3 arrows and was unconscious in Urth’s arms. Cavanaugh used an inspiring word, like “Fight!” and Tim was all better!

They managed to take out a couple of the giant spiders, but the bangerang also brought in a couple more giant spiders. Peldu went to attack one that was in front of him, but dramatically missed, cutting a hole under his feet. (Apparently they were all standing on webbing so old it was covered in dirt and dust and felt solid.) After taking humiliation damage, Peldu was in a hole without a rope. He tried to climb out but remembered “he was in a hole, without a rope”. He walked underneath the spider that he was attacking (which was trying to eat Cavanaugh) and tried to stab it from below, but then remembered that he was 10 feet down. He is 5 feet tall, and his weapon is 3 feet long. Finally, he took out Britney and stabbed holes around the giant spider causing it to fall upon his own head.

Cavanaugh used his magic rope to grab a hold of the dryad’s leg, then lowered himself into the first hole Peldu fell in, and was ready for his rescue. Peldu however used his actions to “loot the giant spider of its bow”, not realizing that giant spiders don’t have opposable thumbs, and therefore have no way of using such an item. Peldu crawled over closer to Cavanugh, but wasn’t able to quite get there. “Fuck this shit,” Cavanaugh thought to himself as he launched up on his rope to punch the “spider rider” in the pooper. It would have been super-cool if he hadn’t missed 3 times. Peldu tried to jump out of the hole, but I don’t think even Magic Johnson could have made that jump. (I was just being nice he totally could have, well, before the AIDS and all)

Urth, unsure of his actions, decided to create a fog cloud around the party, then run as far away from the illusion as possible (which was a solid plan as he was doing more harm than good at this point) but not before accurately throwing his silken rope, almost making it into the hole Peldu had fallen in. Peldu was excited and almost jumped for the rope, which was not connected to anything on the other end. Annabelle, Tim and Cavanaugh were running in and out of the fog cloud, gaining concealment from the arrows. That is, until the dryad cast faerie fire upon them, which gave away their exact position. Everyone was running around like bugs when you pick up the rock they were hiding under, as the dryad continued to shoot them from above. Annabelle missed a couple bolts with her crossbow, to uncover that the ceiling too was just more webbing.

Tim the brave, finally blew this dryad guy… away, and his enchanted bow stood there on the ceiling just waiting for someone to snatch it up (which they didn’t). The party figured that this lair could grant them access to higher levels of the Underdark, and maybe lead them closer to getting out. But they wanted to go back for Steve, who was their sure ticket for getting out… and with only 17 hours left to spare.

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The Last of the Gob-hicans
ou stay alive, no matter what occurs! I will find you.

They made their way to the corral which Annabelle had never seen before, and managed to find the opening which was blocked off by a megalithic rock with two enormous hands cradling it. But no head, arms, feet or butt-hole seemed to be connected to the hands from their vantage point. Tim used detect magic in hopes to either A: find the scepter, or B: figure out if this rock was magical. Well, the rock wasn’t magical. And the funny thing about detect magic is, it is blocked by 3 feet of stone, which this was much more than. The whole stockade of the corral consisted of sharp rocks in fact. They said a couple “magic” words, which were really just “words”. Annabelle then climbed up the rock and soon the rest of the lot joined her; with the help of the magic rope, of course. On the other side, they now saw the head, arms, feet and butt-hole of the monster that owned the mysterious hands! It was a hill giant, and they gathered that its sole purpose was to lift the rock as a doorway to the compound.

Annabelle wanted to pick the locks that chained the beast, but there were none. It seems this beast has been here, in this exact position, since the creation of these chains. There were no locks, there were no keys. Cavanaugh pet the hill giant’s hand with his mage hand. They asked it a series of questions but it just seemed sad, and broken. The giant’s neck was malformed due to out growing his shackles. He acted like a beaten dog, in the child pose position. Tim used shatter on a weak spot in his neck shackles and boom, he was free!!!! Once he realized that his freedom had now been given to him, he pulled the megalithic boulder back and threw it hundreds of feet toward the battlefield! Peldu and Annabelle were still on top of it! Tim saved the day by casting feather fall upon them both.Thehill giant tried to stand, but as anyone who has ever done the child pose for more than 10 minutes knows, your back is fucked. Now, imagine doing it for 100 plus years. Yeah, mega fucked!

Not able to stand, the hill giant used his incredibly strong arms to pull himself forward as he let out a horrific sound that he mustered from 100 years of pain and working out with this boulder! He charged the battlefield and bugbear and hobgoblin alike joined forces to try and best this enraged tyrant! So, this was a great opportunity to casually look around some huts inside the compound, as the whole Underdark shook with terror! The party then knew that this whole level was on the verge of collapsing down upon them, and finding the scepter was paramount. They rushed deeper inside the compound that lead into a cave. Peldu stood back and lit a fire upon a hut outside before entering with the party. Inside, the cavern spiraled up and up with many smaller caves that looked like homes and such. Many yellow eyes stared at them from above. If they looked more farly, they would have noticed the light coming from the very top of the cave was none other than surface light!

Everyone rushed to a shrine in the center of the huge cavern, and luckily for them the chieftain of the whole establishment was sitting waiting for them, holding his most prize possession, the scepter. The hobgoblin chieftain foresaw this day long ago. Ever since that day, he has sat in his throne waiting for the 4 horseman to deliver his destiny by spilling his blood. And here they were, less menacing than he expected, but nevertheless they were them. He was certain. As the walls cracked and shook, the remaining tribe of non-warrior types hid in wait – their numbers were less than 1,000. The chieftain knew he couldn’t win this fight, so his heart was not in it, but he had to dance the dance if he were to claim his honorable spot in the afterlife.

Without words the party descended upon him, ignoring his melancholy. After over 100 points of damage, the chieftain fulfilled his role in the Apocalypse, and the party, theirs. During the fight Cavanaugh fumbled while using the quarter staff he got from the doppelgangers and discovered that it too was a mimic hiding in wait. How did he know this? Well it bit him, that is how! He threw down the quarterstaff and picked up another one, or at least he “thinks” it is a different one, only time will tell. Cavanaugh reached for the scepter but Annabelle grabbed it first, along with a fist full of coins. She even used mage hand to “ninja” these items, whereas everyone else hit the “Greed” button. Even Tim, who technically is the only one who “Needed” it.

Everyone ran as the huge structure started to cave in! Hobgoblins were raining down from their home-caves. At the sight of this Peldu, the pyromancer, was looking for something to start a fire, as if the fact that the whole place was about to come down didn’t sink in his head. It was clear that all of these hobgoblins were going to die. Do you also have to burn them? It is a little over kill, no? Then as the party was running for their lives, they were stopped by a huge fiery-blaze that Peldu had lit before entering the cavern, blocking their only way out. So, they had to jump the shark fire. Tim came very close to dying in a fire, as they all took burn damage. Jumping through the fire was a good decision after all, because a near moment later, the party was covered by a tsunami of 1,000 innocent hobgoblin’s blood, as the structure collapsed upon itself.

By the time they made it out of the corral both opposing armies were completely massacred by the hill giant! Annabelle split the party again, as she hi-tailed it outta there with her loot. Whereas Cavanaugh, Tim and Peldu all desperately wanted to talk to the hill giant, who was bashing his skull against a wall trying to make an escape – still in his crippled state. Once they got there however, they were a little lost for words as the giant was unable to speak. Tim tried to summon the GIANT hill giant as his familiar, but despite his large brain, he didn’t really know how shit works in this world (maybe he should have finished his training with his master).

Once they ran out of ideas, Cavanaugh gave the giant a ball baring to choke on? He accepted it for some reason. The giant then stuck his very large and very dirty finger inside his bottom eyelid and presented the moisture to Cavanaugh. He and the others bathed themselves in the salty stuff and did the same to their own eye (I think they might have just put hobgoblin blood in there). It was a beautiful moment, and they all felt as if they had a full nights sleep!! Except of course Annabelle who was counting her loot and demanded the party do a short one hour rest. As if they had no where to go. It’s cool, only 20 hours left to save Steve guys :D Tick, tock.

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What is the Level of This Quest Again?

The mind flayer gave them very good directions which led right to a steep, rocky grade. Annabelle decided to run up it, “Like no problem,” but she did have a problem and got stabbed by a stabby rock! Peldu also got a little taste of rock to the face before making the climb. Tim ran so fast up the slope that he fell over and just rolled up the darn thing like a boulder made of fat that could defy gravity, taking no damage and none of the rocks could penetrate his cream filling!

Once everyone was up at the top Cavanaugh remembered that he had a magic rope of climbing. He turn down to Urth who was having a difficult time making the climb in his full set of plate mail armor. But before they could do anything to help him, two giant spiders descended upon him dragging him away into the Underdark! Everyone thought about saving him, but finally they were disabused of the idea due to mainly how long they took “talking” about it instead of acting. “I am sure he is long gone by now,” Peldu insisted. So they pressed on!

Around 1,000 feet away was a corral made entirely of jagged rocks, but there was a lot of commotion going on outside of the structure. Cavanaugh knew that there was some conflict going on and a lot of goblin swear words being throw out, like candy 10 months after Halloween. Annabelle was blind as a bat, but that didn’t stop her from stealthing ahead in the dark, in the middle of a battlefield, and alone. Peldu was close behind her (and we now learned that is where he wants to be someday, zing!) Tim and Cavanaugh were confused. They still thought going after Urth was on the table, but after looking at each other they wondered, “Who is going to protect us?” and proceeded to follow Mr. ADD and Mrs ADHD into the darkness (which they could totally see in).

They were slowing walking in the middle of an epic power struggle between hundreds of goblinoids. They thought it strange that some of the goblinoids were larger than the others and had different attire. But Cavanaugh with his plus 7 racism insisted that they all looked exactly the same to him. The goblins were fighting each other, and their group, for the most part, were un-noticed. That is, until Tim felt some pain in his chest and started to bleed from the mouth for some reason. Tim was not one to have a high pain threshold and yelled out, “Oh, fuck!” This alerted 6 smaller goblinoids and 1 big one that proceeded to follow him. Tim had a large brain, but he was still unsure on how to use it; that was evident when he started to flee from them in a “z-formation”. This act caused him to step on Cavanaugh, and also alert some of his pursuers to his location as well.

Cavanaugh used his magic rope to grab hold on a stalactite to Indiana Jones his way to safety. Or he would have, if the stalactite didn’t break on, and land on top of him. This action did however give him a little head start, as oppose to Tim’s “z formation” which helped the goblinoids catch up to him. Peldu and Annabelle just sat there hoping they wouldn’t get noticed. Cavanaugh spoke goblin quite well, and was still wearing his racist dark-elf costume. So, he decided to perform a schtick. He explained that he was a dark-elf observer from a city (NOT Menzoberranzan), and he was here to spectate on the battle to report back the victor. (The tiny crown he had on his head from the rope contest wasn’t helping his argument). At this point the bard-monk realized that one group of goblinoids were hobgoblins and the other, larger ones were bugbears (or Mexicans of the Underdark). They insisted that he must fight with honor and not be so cowardly! This whole conversation was happening all the while the bugbears and hobgoblins where beating on each other. Cavanaugh then told him that he was a sissy girl; which angered the bugbear into choosing a side for him.

With one hit from the bugbears club, Cavanaugh to dropped unconscious. No wait, he remembered he activated his defensive ability that gives him resistance and he lived! Then like batman who forgot something at the batcave, Cavanaugh used the rope to pull himself up, up and away! The bugbear cursed at him, but got met with something along the lines of, “You can’t get me, neener, neener, neener!” Annabelle, like a chicken girl, shot arrows from afar, not wanting to get hurt (that is also why she cannot commit in a relationship).

Tim decided to attack the bugbear (but missed), choosing the side of the hobgoblins also, but then had the super smart idea to also attack the hobgoblins so that they would also attack him! (But missed, over and over again). Things were getting bad. Cavanaugh used his magic rope to lower himself down close enough to kick a bugbear in the face. But like a fat kid at a pinata party without a blindfold, the bugbear spilled all of Cavanaugh’s candy all over the floor. He fell to the ground lifeless, and took more damage as is face was introduced to the floor. Tim rushed to help out, while Annabelle still ran in, stabbed, then ran out avoiding a single hit (I guess most women don’t really like to get hit on). Tim managed to do a little damage, but soon his candy was also scattered all over the floor! It was just Peldu and Annabelle. Cavanaugh was getting closer to death, and he critically awoke to save the day! After healing Tim, the two brave-ass braveasses fought side by side with Peldu to rid the world of these fuckers! (They had under 10 hit points between them). Whereas Annabelle was at full life, hiding in the background, running out of ammo and daggers…

Annabelle rushed in to help and stabbed the last remaining hobgoblin. YEAH! But then ran away, leaving Cavanaugh open to an attack. BOO! And that is what happened. Cavanaugh, like a champion got hit, again. And spilled his candy all over the place, again! They finally managed to barely kill the last of the foes who were engaged with them, but no one had any means to heal Cavanaugh because he was the only one who could heal. Tim stabilized his little warrior-that-could, but didn’t want to wait 1-4 hours for him to wake up – especially in the middle of this huge gob-on-gob war going on. Tim searched all his spells in his spell book, all his items in his inventory. Annabelle looted dead goblinoids for her own self-gain. Finally, Tim found the scroll that he found in the Urthtopia treasure room filled with mimics! After further inspection he knew that this scroll could cast 1 spell level 4 or under, one time. All he had to do was say its name. He decided to use it to cast “cure wounds” but his dyslexia almost made him say “cloud kill”. And cure wounds it did, it cured Cavanaughs broken pinata body, his broken heart and even his bad breath!

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Mind Flayer Ate My Balls
and all I got was this t-shirt

The party was face-to-face with this menacing squid-face. They were not sure if they had seen or eaten one of these before. Annabelle asked the Flumph telepathically if this was its cloister. Which alerted the Flumph that Annabelle is a total ditz and knew nothing about a cloister what-so-ever. I mean everyone with half a brain knew, “A cloister is usually in a large cavern or (in swamps and grasslands) a large, nest-like bower constructed of grass and mud.” The Flumph responded, “No this is much more scrumptious.”

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They slowly started to back away taking the mind flayer for a fool and it used its mind to command them to, “Stop slave.” Annabelle was not the slightest bit intimidated. While feeling a little bit sassy, she sassed back at him, as women tend to do. The party was feeling quite ballsy and was prepared to make sushi out of this guy! The Illithid reiterated, this time motioning to them to kneel before his power. Annabelle didn’t like people inside her head anymore than she liked giving head, and decided to insult the creature by speaking aloud instead of telepathically. Peldu was about to throw Britney Spear at the fearsome foe, like he did with the cyclops (oops, I did it again). But the mind flayer decided to stun every last one of them, leaving them powerless against its almighty power. The beast toyed with them wrapping his tentacles around their brains to see which one was the tastiest. It was determined that Tim had the smartest, most active, fatty brain of them all. The Illithid was almost drooling ink on himself.

Cavanaugh used his mind to communicate to the beast that obviously had no problem besting them. He told the beast about a VERY interesting picture book he found in a sex-cult and he could have it – all he had to do was take it out of his bag. The mind flayer searched Cavanaugh’s mind and decided that this book did have interest to him. The book levitated out of the motionless bard-monk’s bag and into the hands of the mind flayer. Cavanaugh then started getting cold feet and started to back-pedal on the gift stating, “I might need that back at some point – it is a loan.” After noticing the foul expression on the squid-faced creature, Cavanaugh double back-peddled and told him to keep it as long as he needs it. Tim had a different plan in mind, he challenged him to a battle of wits… “How about you un-stun us, and if you cannot answer my riddle you must let us go!” The flayer counter offered with, “Why don’t I eat your brain to find the answer?” The master of negotiations couldn’t negotiate out of that one.

Peldu then offered to do some services for their freedom. Seeing as they were already his slaves, whether they knew it or not, the mind flayer was open minded to this. The tentacly slaver offered a fetch quest for their lives. “Bring me my scepter that was taken by some annoying hobgoblins up ahead, and I will give you your lives (not your freedom mind you). They all agreed as they were scared as shit. Peldu thought to himself about tricking the mind flayer and killing him later if they decided that the quest was too hard. The mind flayer responded to this thought, “You know I can hear you right?”

The brave adventurers agreed to the terms but there was one last detail that needed to be decided. “Who will stay here for collateral?” The went back and forth and in the end the two runner ups were Urth or Steve the Urthling. They finally settled on Steve as they “Really didn’t know him anyway.” Plus, they had a lukewarm feeling about doing the quest, forgetting of course that Steve and the Flumph were the only tickets they had to get out of the Underdark and they were about to leave them both with a creature that just made them all his bitch, prison-style!

The mind flayer un-stunned them and gave them directions to the hobby-gobbies and they party pressed on, brains intact. Not before heeding the mind flayers final instruction, “But be warned that if your don’t return within 24 hours with the scepter I will eat the shit out of Steve’s brain as an appetizer, then I will proceed to hunt you down one by one, and do the same to you. And once I shit out your brains, I will then put them back inside your head, because that is what I think of you… shit for brains!” Steve knew Urth would come back for him but was a little uneasy as the mind flayer dusted his scalp with lemon pepper and other spices and chopped some carrots on him, all the while singing “I want chicken, I want dinner, Steve’s brains, Steve’s brains, please deliver.”

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Always a Bridesmaid, Never a Maid!
What is the most fattening type of cake? Wedding.

Urth and his merry bunch of non-Urths still had no idea how they were to leave Urthtopia. With most of his followers out on fetch-quests, Urth decided to just try and leave. He was met with resistance and tears. Urth bargained that if he were to save the world he would need to leave this place and get on with it already! He requested the assistance of the chronicler, who they now called “Steve” – instead of his given name, “Most-Congenial Urth”.
Steve was to document everything that was to happen and create the greatest holy book to ever be “thumped”. Urth was still met with resistance. That is when Annabelle jumped up and made a great sermon about life, God and destiny, but one of the Urth-a-likes cut her off and said, “Yo, Anna, I’m really happy for you. I’ma let you finish, but Urth had one of the best speeches of all time! One of the best voices of all time!”

Finally Urth promised to return in no later than 30 days with instructions as to what to do before the end of days. In the meantime, just go about business as usual; watch Game of Thrones, and eat pizza pockets! They gave him a mace called “shatter” and agreed to let their wonderful buzzard fly from the nest as they understood he had a higher purpose. Steve was quite happy with his new found importance – writing the book of all books was a daunting task (believe me I know). I on the other hand was a little threatened at the sight of another scribe jotting down their every move, and I knew it was my new mission to eliminate Steve at all cost! Urth decided that Steve should be seen and not heard, but he was a very loud writer always mumbling what he wrote and laughing to himself. Also, he was horrible at “blending in”. What an amateur!

Annabelle decided that she wanted to tie a rope to each of her two crossbows and have them cocked, and loaded at all times. The idea behind this was that she could fire two bolts and drop her weapons without them falling on the ground. Sounds reasonable. I mean what could go wrong? Without hesitation Urth started to hatch a plan on how to find their napped friend, Peldu. He remembered one particular spear the tiefling barbarian had named “Britney”. Urth cast the “locate object” spell, and they were on their way to save the day.

On their travels they heard a faint sound that seemed to be getting louder. “I want my baby-back, baby-back, baby-back,” continued over and over again. It got louder and louder still! Before anyone could recognize the Chilli’s baby back ribs commercial, a mother displacer beast pounced on the party, wanting her dead baby that Urth had murdered a couple days prior, back! Annabelle tried to stab the thing but shot herself in the foot due to her “always loaded crossbows”. After much hissing, scratching, biting and phasing, the party rid the world of the displacer beast’s bloodline. (Wait didn’t someone have animal handling?)

The search was underfoot, again! And they came to a large cathedral. Urth did a little investigating and figured out (with the help of Yelp) that it was a cathedral of the spider queen Lolth. (Which Urth LOL-thed a little himself at that discovery.) Cavanaugh decided to “blend in” and put on a makeshift disguise of a dark-elf – black face and a beard. He also got +2 for racism. Urth pushed open the heavy stone doors like a badass ’cuz, “Umberlee fear no Lolth”. He was met by an animated skeleton wearing fine attire. “Groom or bride?” the skeleton asked rather slowly, to which they responded, “Groom?” “Sign in here,” the skeleton instructed, reaching for the guest book. A zombie usher, who smelled like old people (or as some of you know – death), ushered them to the right side of the chapel, which was empty besides them. The left side however was filled with ghouls, skeletons, zombies, mummies, wights, shades, and one vampire who was brooding. On the stage was a dark-elf priestess of Lolth giving an introduction to the ceremony.

Annabelle decided to case the joint and found the reception supplies – cake, food, party favors, wine… wait wine! She lifted a full bottle and a couple jars of mead and took her seat. It wasn’t long before they saw their dear friend Peldu walk down the isle to the theme music of the Adams Family. His eyes were jet black and he walked a little bit like an Egyptian. About this point Annabelle was finished with her bottle of wine and halfway done with her mead, but just beginning to yell out obscenities drawing more attention to them. About the time the Banshee bride walked down the isle Annabelle said, “He cannot marry his mom, can he?” Then she proceeded to pass out, head on pew.

It was a beautiful ceremony, Tim got a little misty eyed, forgetting of course that maybe Peldu didn’t really want to marry this old hag (who looked surprisingly better with her veil obstructing her face area. Cavanaugh thought the banshee “looked fat” in that dress and it totally didn’t complement her figure. (he watches a lot of “Say ‘Yes’ to the Dress”)

Right at the point where the dark-elf priestess said, “If anyone objects to this union…” Cavanaugh jumped up and objected to the union stating that he doesn’t love her, she is old, and doesn’t have child bearing hips. Most of the audience had to agree with that point. The banshee cried and ran to the comfort of her mommy who was the mummy. “Is this some sort of joke, about us not being able to grow beards?” the dark-elf questioned Cavanaugh’s disguise. He then quickly tried to rub off the black-face makeup to explain. (plus 3 to racism) “Oh so we don’t take baths or something? You are filled with ignorance right now,” the dark-elf continued. ( plus 4 to racism)“Someone has to get married today, or else no one is getting back their deposit!” the dark-elf threatened. Well, no one wanted that! So, Cavanaugh offered a deal… “How about your marry Peldu to Annabelle (who was still passed out)… I mean, she always said how he was one of her favorites….”

There was a long pause…

The banshee fled out the room sobbing, “I knew they were going to ruin my wedding!!!” “Ok, let’s have ourselves a wedding!” the priestess agreed – not caring that the groom was clearly under some spell and Annabelle clearly couldn’t hold her liquor. Some of the undead held Annabelle up and made her face nod to the union, but before the undead could make them both kiss Urth could stand no more! He cast turn undead upon his shield causing every undead creature inside the chapel to flee for their lives! This left just the dark-elf priestess and the adventurers unaffected by the spell. Peldu and Annabelle were both on the floor out of their minds! Urth snatched them up and carried them both out the door. The priestess was furious at them for toying with the sanctity of marriage, twice! She followed them outside and summoned two giant spiders to pursue them and bring back the bride and groom at all costs! Urth ignored the beasts and kept on walking as they attacked him, until he finally pushed ahead and they were out of reach, but didn’t stop the chase.

The farther they got from the banshee, the more Peldu started to become more like himself. Urth asked Steve if he knew the way out of the Underdark, and he made indication that he did. The group was at an impasse – on one hand they now knew they way out and no longer needed to assist the Flumphh in finding it’s cloister. But on the other hand, they made a promise. Everyone was happy to break that promise except Urth. He decided to phone a friend, Umberlee. The god responded stating that they no longer need the Flumphs escort quest as long as they have Steve to guide them out of the Underdark, and only pain and suffering would come to them if they continued with the quest. Despite the warning from Umberlee, Urth decided to go along with the escort quest anyway. The Flumph started to recognize some of the area and it felt the presence of his cloister. It Flumphed its way faster up ahead; so far that the party had trouble keeping up. One thing you should know about Flumphs is that they are drawn to psychic energy… and that is exactly what they found. Not the cloister, but a mind flayer, hungry… for brains!

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