Players Are Stupid

Aftermath is Hard

Borni Strabuckle, the bouncer in the Underdark Tavern, just today managed to bench 400 pounds – which is an amazing task. He shortly there after, tore his rotator cuff and regressed back to benching under 300 pounds.

Captain Morris used the large profits from escorting the stranded people seeking refuge to buy himself a much larger ship he named “The Titanic”. He knew his luck had changed as he set sail to the west with his secret lover and friend, Gnoll Stormhand.

Annabelle died a virgin and a frisky orc almost deflowered her rotting corpse; to his dismay he found that the attractive female was equipment with a penis and balls. In a fury, he left her to the bugs (overlooking the fact that her “manhood” was in fact a ruse to deter oncoming rapists). Thusly, she managed to keep her virtue throughout the afterlife, and this proved valuable somehow. Not having any family of her own, she was never missed by anyone… except the beggars guild who, to this day, has a sketch of her upon their wall of “murder on sight”. She was the only woman, let alone person, to ever get away with crossing the guild without paying the price of death. Her image gave hope to other beggars to eventually create a revolution which changed the guild into a reputable orphanage for lost souls like herself. This revolution was spear-headed by Malik. Annabelle was praised for her bravery and insight – two virtues she never possessed, but history has a funny way writing itself. Her greed ultimately was the reason for her end. What would have happened if she didn’t steal the coin from that dreadful fountain? Upon looting their corpses, I left the coin there for whatever unfortunate soul should come across it. As it so happens, the orc who would have loved to join in an intimate act of necrophilia with Annabelle took the coins. The orc later found himself face to face with a balrog who did all kinds of nasty things to the orc before devouring him. Devon was elated to have his enchanted fountain back, and the apocalypse business was booming more than ever! I sold Annabelle’s story to a prostitute who wanted a fresh start. I rewrote her name as Aria, as I didn’t want to interrupt the good acts being done in Annabelle’s name. A farmer found her corpse and, thinking it was a man, took it to the mad wizard in the woods for resurrection… for a price. The debt had to be paid back two-fold from Annabelle in the form of slave labor. He still thinks she is a he and calls her Andy.

It took many days but a small band of ex-mages managed to locate the person of their desire. “Tim the coward”, is what they referred to him as. Cavanaugh was quite unreliable when it came to burying his “buddy”. Upon retrieving Tim’s corpse they took it upon themselves to cast a resurrection spell upon him. Seeing as he was dead for sometime, there were some… complications with his resurrection. Tim was alive, but he was more or less a fat little zombie who only would feed on fresh brains. If he went a day or more without his meal of choice, he would become mindless and attack the closest brain he could grab. But still, they needed him. You see, their group was called “Death Mask” and they were all ex-apprentices to the great mage, Maskar, who was still alive. What they all had in common was that they each failed his test, such as Tim did, and as a result Maskar has been using them as bloodbags every time he gets hurt. Each member tried to live a simple life void of all adventures, but the mysterious pain would come at any moment causing them a magical wound. They sought each other out to help triangulate Masklar’s position and put and end to his vicious life drain. I shopped around Tim’s story, but no one was interested in a fat, mage apprentice, who was wider than he was tall. It was probably for the best, seeing as he wasn’t “technically” dead – rather, undead.

Urth finally met his goddess, Umberlee, in the afterlife. He soon realized exactly why people always referred her as “The Bitch Queen”, as she was in fact a big, old bitch. She wasn’t very pleased with the cleric, for many times he failed to give a sacrifice to her domain. Also, he blatantly went against her guidance when he asked about helping the flumph with its fetch quest. And, there was the incident where he attacked a hydra who was also a worshiper of hers. Urth was one of those “Microwave” believers – go to church every now and again, get “super charged” with faith, then quickly cool off until the next visit. Umberlee wanted him to be more like an “every day, all day believer” running every one of his thoughts through her Umberlee filter. WWUD? (What Would Umberlee Do?). As for the Urthlings, 30 days came and went without the return of their beloved leader, without any indication of hope, yet they still to this day worship his image and await his return for a second coming. The irony is that his believers are exactly what Umberlee wanted out of Urth. Umberlee sent Urth back as a fish to convince his followers somehow to convert to her teaching instead. This was an impossible task, especially while a fish… hence the “Bitch” part. The cleric was eaten, killed, and even made to be a pet of some sort. But each time me met failure, and disappointed his mistress time and time again. I sold Urth’s story and artifacts back to the Urthlings for the largest of sums. I passed the story off as Steve’s chronicles and they accepted this as their first holy book.

Peldu’s long line of family members (who shared his name) never received any of the lucrative life insurance policy he had taken out for himself, nor the large benefits the Red Sashes give upon death of one of their members. This was because no one ever found his body. Instead, A hunter decapitated his corpse, stuffed and mounted his head, and placed it upon his study. Thinking a tiefling to be exotic, his mug went nicely next to all the elk, moose, and deer that he had previously claimed as trophies. Peldu’s face inspired this hunter daily to be careful and kind, as he wouldn’t want to find his own mug on someone else’s wall, as Peldu had. Each night the hunter would say, “Good night old boy. Thanks for the chat. Hope I’m not like your in the morning”. I sold Peldu’s pyromaniac story to an eager, halfling warlord who was ready start his own adventures.

Therope master duergar finally overcame his sorrow over the loss of his beloved rope. He then moved up north of Neverwinter and took up a new lifestyle of giving gifts instead of gambling with them. Once a year he would provide presents to children to pay forward the act that changed his life forever. This act became so popular that it was celebrated every year and he needed assistance from local elves to meet his quotas.

Cavanaugh spent time doing good deeds with the epic hero Stanwick the Sandwich and eventually met up with the crippled hill giant that they saved previously, and together they three were a force to be reckoned with – do gooding where good doing was needed. It took a year or so, but Cavanaugh was approached by Priscilla Baum and they had the amazing Highlander-style battle he always wanted. In the end, the scarlet kiss contract was fulfilled! I have still yet to finish writing his story, which is the most epic of all the five adventurers.

Karma has a silly way of biting you in the ass, and other times kissing you in the rear instead. Despite all the horrific deeds these 5 party members did, in their deaths and failures came goodness that vibrated throughout the land righting what once was wrong.
Although, to this day, large cities are disappearing and more and more talk about the end of days whispers through the night, but no one knows when or how it will happen… but it will happen.

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TPK or TKP
Part 2

Every member of their group was injured after this fight, despite their recent 8 hours of sleep. Instead of resting up for an hour or healing up, they decided to go forward, even though Peldu had only six life left. They spent more than enough time to come up with a sold plan to get past the 100-some odd gnolls – which were the only thing standing between them and the surface world they miss oh so much. Annabelle and Urth were moving at half speed, and their attacks were unreliable after their next level of exhaustion set in. When presented with the idea of stealthing into the town, or any other idea that might get them a head start on their task, Urth dismissed the ideas and insisted that walking in the front of the town was the only way. Maybe he was feeling suicidal, or just apathetic; either way, he was feeling the lowest he has ever felt in his life. Which was the opposite for Cavanagh, who was currently playing limbo (and winning) with some elderly humans, not too far away.

So, that is what they did. They walked (slowly) into town and before the first gnoll could greet them. Tim started casting fire spells upon any building he could reach, causing fires to erupt! Women, children and elderly gnolls rushed out of their homes in a panicked-frenzy. Each gnoll always equipped their signature claws. Even the sickly took up arms to protect their loved ones. The gnoll villages were shocked by this act of aggression as they often did trade with the humans of the surface world, and never had they seen such humans act with such malice aforethought. This death march of carnage slowly swept through the town, destroying everything in it’s path (meanwhile, Cavanaugh was sweeping up some spilled garbage at the killer party). While the party was doing a lot of damage upon the village, no one was attacking the gnolls directly for some reason. The party just ignored their attacks, taking both frontal attacks and opportunity attacks as they walked on. Soon they were surrounded by twelve gnoll villagers. Urth gave Tim the apprentice the signal and out of his fingertips came a fireball, burning everything except the party members themselves, as Tim shielded them from the blast. The gnolls that didn’t die outright from the fireball ran around trying to extinguish themselves, but eventually they too burnt to a crisp.

Cavanaugh was also dealing with fire in town as he twirled burning poi around, by which he dazzled his audience with his artistic rendition of a fire-breathing dragon. They were generous with their applause, though it WAS warranted. Annabelle and Urth were both extremely slow do to their exhaustion, but Tim and Peldu were not effected by the harshness of the Underdark. So, why didn’t they move ahead, or maybe make a sniper post, or anything really? Instead they just slowly walked the pace of a zombie snail. Wave after wave of gnolls came, begging for forgiveness for whatever they had done to bring on this wrath, but their plea was unanswered due to the fact that no one spoke gnoll. Tim could have used his cool “comprehend language” spell, but he figured that screaming in pain was a universal language. Peldu took a hit to the face that almost killed him outright. He then finally decided to rage to reduce the damage he would take (a round too late). Annabelle didn’t attack anything until she finally dropped to the ground, bleeding out (and it wasn’t even that time of the month yet). Urth dropped his shield to the ground and grabbed her by the coat, dragging her slowly through town. They were more than half way through town and the gnolls kept on coming. Tim had a thought, (which was long over due) he decided to shoot fire cantrips in front of the next couple waves of gnolls to divert them, or at the very least, create a diversion. This helped tremendously, if only he thought of it earlier.

What happened next wasn’t really a surprise, when someone is burning down your town and not really defending themselves… Peldu also dropped to the ground. If only he had over 100+ damage worth of explosive powder on his person, maybe he could have BLOWN THIS TOWN UP FOR REALS!!!!@! WTF. Urth dropped his mace and with his other hand he was now dragging Peldu’s limp body. Without any free hands to attack, he just kept taking hit after hit, inching his way to the exit. Stanwick was also dragging something of his own – it was the pig on a spit, which was cooked perfectly. As he sunk his teeth directly into its back, he thought of how he had never eaten a full pig in one sitting… but today was the day he sure was going to try. Cavanaugh, while feeling quite free and drunk, joined his new friend as they ate cheek to cheek.

Out of spells, life, energy and patience Urth made it outside of the cave dragging two of his companions corpses. He had done it at last. His eyes got wet as they set upon the moon – the beacon of his victory. The only problem was that there were two remaining gnolls swinging at him. They were no match for his mimic platemail armor. He dropped his companions and equipped the shatter mace. He now had something to fight for; his freedom was within his grasp and these challenge level 2 monsters could not stop him! The two gnolls both critically hit him which in turn caused his platemail, which was really a mimic in disguise, to bite down upon him for extra damage. This stopped him! Urth fell to one knee, then all went black as he laid lifeless next to Peldu and Annabelle who he had saved from the fires they set. Cavanaugh too laid down, for a nap as he was having a bad case of the “meat sweats” after finishing that pig.

The two remaining gnolls charged Tim, the sole survivor (in the vicinity). Tim used a cantrip causing one of the gnolls to burn up like his kin, and their kin, and so on and so forth. Tim tried to gain some distance between him and the last gnoll (in their vicinity) but the gnoll caught up to him. Tim missed his final spell, but the gnoll did not miss his claw attack to Tim’s face, causing him to fall lifeless like the rest of his party (except Cavanaugh who was getting the mailing address of strikingly beautiful maiden who interrupted his nap) Even while dying Urth was determined to live on, as he critically awoke out of death, wiped the blood off his face and waited for the cheering gnoll – who thought he had single-handedly saved his village from total destruction. Urth didn’t hide or create any kind of ambush for the gnoll. Instead, he just waited for him to notice him then proceeded to attack it when it got within reach. He used the shatter mace, whose properties included killing a creature upon a hit but destroying the mace with it. It was do or die time! Urth swung the shatter mace at the gnoll, but with his disadvantage from the Underdark exhaustion still in effect, he missed. The gnoll swung at Urth, but it glanced off his platemail armor. Back and forth this went three or four times, it was pathetic to watch, and even more so to write about.

Urth did a mighty swing and barely missed the gnoll’s armor by an inch. The gnoll was not so unfortunate as he managed to find a weak spot in the cleric of Umberlee’s armor, causing him to drop to the ground unconscious yet again. The gnoll started to go through their belongings, starting with Peldu’s when he heard a loud explosion sound!! It was the dam, the doomsday cult managed to blow the whole damn thing! The bursting dam caused the flood that created many sinkholes and deaths in generations to come. Not before killing every man woman and child in Sodomorea. The lost city of Sodomorea is what is is now called, no one alive knew the mysterious events that caused its disappearance or even if it could have been avoided. The Sodomorea castle was so well known for its vast amount of riches that archeologists are still trying to unearth it.

The gnoll ran inside the town to help his kin folk, or what was left of them. He managed to bring a couple injured gnolls out of the cave before he tried to save one that was currently still on fire. Little did he know that he was carrying the explosive powder Peldu took from the general store. It caught fire and caused huge fireworks to light up the sky like the 4th of July.

Cavanaugh and Stanwick looked up at the sky admiring the light show, thinking it was more theatrics from the harvest festival. Little did they know that was the extinction of a particular bloodline of well mannered gnolls. After they cheered and howled, the harvest fest was coming to a close. Cavanaugh and Stanwick went to their well-earned room to turn in for the night. Stanwick suggested that maybe they looked for the bard-monk’s friends, as it was already dark for some time. Cavanaugh agreed that this might be the smartest course of action, but made Stanwick promise not to mention this town to any of his “friends” as he felt it would end in a town-wide massacre. Stanwick didn’t quite understand, but agreed. As they left the town, a single tear dropped out of Cavanaugh’s eye as this was the first time since this whole adventure started where he didn’t leave a town with murder and mayhem behind. They went back to the spot where they left the spirit griffon, who was feasting upon a spirit wolf. They took to the skies again and noticed the ember glow of a cave entrance back on the mountain. They landed far off the beaten path to stealth up to the location. There they found 6 burned gnolls. The cave opening was funneling out huge jets of fire. They spotted the nude corpses of Annabelle, Tim, Urth and Peldu. (I took all their belongings as evidence to go along with their stories).

They were dead for an hour or so. “Maybe I shouldn’t have played that second game of twister?” Cavanaugh thought to himself mournfully. He wasn’t quite sure if they were fully-dead or mostly-dead, but that is a question for another day.

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Total Party Kill or Totally Killer Party?
Part 1

As Cavanaugh and Stanwick entered the town, they were greeted by many friendly human faces. They were kind, and easy to converse with. The duo inquired around town as to any information regarding Cavanaugh’s lost compadres. No one knew a thing about their whereabouts, but were eager to help in any way possible. Without any money, they inquired about gaining access to a room within the local inn. Cavanaugh thought about stealing a key, when Stanwick offered to work in exchange for free room and board. The inn keeper agreed to his terms, and needed their assistance tonight during the Great Harvest Festival. Cavanaugh found himself offering up his musical talents to the upcoming festival. The Inn keeper was delighted to graciously accept his offer as well. They found their room, neat and tidy. They rested a couple hours, waiting for the sun to set and their upcoming task to begin. Cavanaugh thought about fleeing without keeping to his end of the arrangement, but he was truthfully excited about preforming again. Plus, he had the feeling these kind people were going to be generous with their admiration, even if he were undeserving.

As the sun set, the festivities started. Cavanaugh played a beautiful, happy tune that really lifted the spirits of the town greatly. Stanwick was tasked with getting lonely people to dance and get the party generally started. He was even better at being likable and social than he was at being a true hero. They danced and ate until they were sore, then danced some more. Cavanaugh’s ribs hurt from a night filled with laughter and pleasantries.

Meanwhile, back inside the mountain, the party had a full eight hours of rest and felt ready to take on anything; except they weren’t. The party members without dark vision (Annabelle and Urth) suffered another level of exhaustion after spending another day in the Underdark. At this point they had disadvantage on attack rolls along with saving throws. They banished their impenetrable tent of resting to discover they were surrounded by gnolls and some bat/demon thing circling above! The gnolls were trying to attack the winged-fiend when they noticed the party awake, still with sleep in their eyes. Without introductions our heroes attacked with little to no hesitation. The winged beast was the demon sent by Devon and it was hell-bent on getting his gold back at all costs. “We like the gold”, were Urth’s exact words when he figured out the intent of the vrock (winged demon). The vrock shot out a poison cloud upon them and Annabelle was the only one affected. She took poison damage every single round. The gnolls traded blows with the heroes. Tim was quick to use his largest spell “fireball”, burning half the gnolls with little trouble. Annabelle was frustrated, missing most of her attacks due to her exhaustion. She debated fleeing through the cave, but was reminded of the hydra. (Like it is still there 8 hours later. I am sure it has something better to do than stare at a hole for 8 hours. I mean it isn’t a proctologist). Too bad they didn’t know it was dead. Everyone was quick to use their big spells upon this avoidable encounter. The vrock soared around swiping and biting everyone who had Devon’s gold (which was everyone in the party). Cavanaugh was the only smart one who ditched his gold at the Sodomorea tavern.

(Side note: Earlier the vrock crashed through the ceiling of the tavern and proceeded to eat the patrons. Once everyone died the gold was collected and it continued on to find the party camping out.)

Annabelle took her last dose of poison to cause her to fall on the ground, dying. Urth used another spell to cure the poison and heal her a little. After a tough battle they managed to best Devon’s minion. Meanwhile, back on the sex ranch, Devon decided to send his biggest demon yet upon the Underdark. It was a baylor (huge horns, fire whip, tons of scary fire!) It was a dick-move, but his impatience was growing with each failure.

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Hydra Pwn It
get it?

Cavanaugh was retrieved out of the water from human figure who was decorated in epic equipment. Cavanaught had “purple” envy for sure and was currently comparing e-peens. They retreated out of the reach of hydra to size up their options instead of running in without a plan. This concept was new to the bard-monk and he liked it very much.

I almost shit a brick when I noticed the hero as Stanwick the Sandwich, like his name he was to whole package, he had meat, cheese and killer buns! I had previously found him lying dead in a ditch after slaying a red dragon. I looted all his belongings and sold them and his tale to a lesser hero.

Unfortunately for the new lesser Stanwick he couldn’t live up to the glory and met a fast end when he died in a simple dual. His belongings were later put on display in the mage tower along with his long list of achievements that I had documented. As it so happens the real Stanwick didn’t die after all, a mistake I had not experienced prior. It also appeared he was the one who ransacked the mage tower ages ago (the party would have known this if they investigated the room at all) and reunited himself with his epic gear. Now it seems that he was looking to exercise some form of revenge upon poor little old me. Realizing that I needed to keep my enemies close, I cast my “remote eye” spell to follow Urth and the gang, while I used real eyes to watch these two knuckleheads.

Cavanaugh learned a new concept, “strategies”. He liked Stanwick so much so that he showed the man an x-rated page that was torn out of his long lost sex-tomb. The hero wasn’t impressed in the slightest. Cavanaugh got the impression that he got a lot of tail and was even more impressed. Their plans were interrupted however when they noticed below the dam was a winged beast attacking the tavern they previously “legitimately” acquired a cloak from. It wasn’t long before the beast ripped a hole through the ceiling of the establishment and started to rip people apart, limb from limb. Stanwick being a true hero almost leapt down to save them all, not caring for his own well being. Cavanaugh urged him to let them pass away peacefully as God intended. After hearing about the incident with the cloak, the hero agreed with Cavanaugh’s argument.

Stanwick healed Cavanaugh and decided he would use this injustice to slay the beast, fearing it not! Cavanaugh wondered if there was a better, more cowardly way to go about this. Stanwick insisted this had to happen with courage and head-on. The duo met the beast, bravery in Stanwick’s eyes, and a little turd in Cavanaugh’s pants. Oh they met it well! Stanwick was used to fighting alone and made a minor mistake by fearing the hydra. This action didn’t cause it to run away, instead it drew each of the five hydra heads to bite at Batman’s Roblin (Cavanaugh). Cavanaugh was scared, but Stanwick healed him over and over again, soon realizing his mistake they retreated to regroup. Once the fear wore off they continued their assault. They kept cutting of heads to watched them grow back again. Cavanaugh feared this task was a huge waste of time and punches and opted to flee. But Stanwick was not that type of person, you know the only type Cavanaugh had ever known, you know, cowards! The hero could not be presuaded to flee from this mighty foe, and finally they managed to cut off all the heads causing the beast to explode blood and guts everywhere. It was a glories day for sure. But not for me, who didn’t have a change of clothes :(

At this time the winged beast was finished murdering the tavern and flew past the duo, not before pausing for a moment as it glanced at Cavanaugh, who looked like an abortion. But it continued onto the same cave his friends when into. Now that the obstacle was bested Stanwick asked Cavanaugh, without any bias as to where he would like to travel next. Instead of following his friends he asked Stanwick to summon a mighty steed to maybe help them travel and explore the subterranean sea. A mere ten minutes later a huge translucent bird large enough to be mounted answered the hero’s call. It was a spirit griffon (giant bird, huge shits). Before you could say “Disneyland” both of them were already on top of this bird ready for the ride of their life. My invisibility spell was close to wearing off so I grabbed hold of the creature’s talon before take off. It took off faster than anyone would have imagined, it was strong yet graceful. Cavanaugh couldn’t contain himself and he let out a loud “YEEEEEEEAAAAHHH” while raising both arms above his head, fists clenched!!

They soared across the sea, so close that they felt the mist kiss their cheeks. Cavanaugh now knew that anything was possible, so he pointed up, and the griffon complied with a 90 degree turn. Flying vertically was just as fast as it could fly horizontal. They were rapidly approaching the ceiling Cavanauah closed his eyes bracing for impact, but Stanwick knew better and they all shot out of a small opening on the ceiling! They were finally out of the Underdark! It was glorious! They understood now that the subterranean sea was inside a hollowed out mountain.

The light felt so good against their skin, their eyes winced in the sun’s glory. They circled around the mountain looking for any sign Cavanaugh’s friends (if you could call them that). They spied a path leading inside the mountain and outside were a couple of gnolls, grazing. Ignoring the gnolls, they followed the path leading out of the mountain on to a town off in the distance. Cavanaugh decided that they might be in the town (even though he just saw them an hour before and there was no way for them to be able to walk to town in that amount of time (run along sentences aside, that shit was dumb).

The happy bard-monk wanted to leap off the griffon and use his feather fall spell to make a dramatic entrance into the town, but Stanwick reminded him that he might be occupied by hostile creatures. So, instead they found a tree outside of town and told the griffon spirit they summoned to “Lay low and shut up”.

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No Bard left Behind
Don't ask, don't tell!

Cavanaugh took a swim in the warm waters (was it warm before he got in?) while everyone was trying to be constructive with their time as to their current predicament. Peldu finally whipped out his fishing rod that was “OH SO IMPORTANT” for him to get right away in Waterdeep. Remember, he had a personal shopper fetch it for him and paid much more than the thing was worth? Well, he caught something. Everyone was eager with anticipation. Unfortunately for them, he caught a sea hag. Yes, a toothless, balding wretch of a woman who now had a fish hook in her cheek. Did the fish hook make an improvement to her face by distracting one’s eyes from her face sores? No! It actually created a shortcut for her rotting breath to escape out of. Instead of showing the grotesque woman pleasantries such as, “I am sorry”, “Let me mend your wounds fair maiden”, “Would you like a makeover?” Or even the not so popular, “My bad.” Peldu went a totally different approach; quite the opposite actually. First, he tried to throw her back, but his muscles were no match for this waterlogged PERSON. Second, he insulted her and urged her to go way (as if she could with the hook still in her). Third, he cut the line and waved her on. Finally, he tried to intimidate her into submission, but Peldu was about one hit away from death himself and this wouldn’t have worked on a small child, let alone a woman of the sea.

The rest of the adventurers (who were on land) braced for the incoming fight, as they do. Instead, the sea hag beckoned the barbarian closer with a whisper. Peldu was hesitant, but he indulged her request and came close enough to hear her words without getting in the water. He leaned in as close as he could, and the sea hag (with fish hook and all) burped loudly in his ear, which followed by a kiss. I am sure this is the first time the sea hag has been penetrated in her life, and she wasn’t going to leave without a kiss. Her laughter escalated louder as she descended back into the water. Urth inspected the black rotting lip stain that was now on his face, and it was confirmed – Peldu was cursed! Unable to level until it was lifted. Cavanaugh, while underwater, noticed the sea hag swimming away with fish hook and line trailing behind. He stayed clear of the thing, but not before checking her out as a possible mate. He kept to his first assumption to say away, as far as possible!

The party was getting a little worried about Cavanaugh who was gone for quite some time, but did no action to try to locate him. Annabelle took the initiative, and attempted to split the party and scout out a cave opening a short climb away. While doing so, unfortunately, she fell back into the water – SPLASH! Peldu with little to no life, decided that he could do better, and followed in Annabelle’s footsteps. He too slipped, but for some reason his hand was stuck inside the rock. While trying to swim to shore, Annabelle was also stuck, but in the water. No one had any course of action except throw a rope to Annabelle. While Peldu stood there dumbfounded, the rock came alive and punched him in the face. So that is what an earth elemental looks like! Peldu, fell in the water and started to die, again. Annabelle managed to break free from the water elemental that took hold of her foot and she rescued the careless barbarian (which is now what we call him). Urth administered more healing on Peldu, and everyone wondered if the little guy was getting addicted to dying. With Urth’s know-how, Tim’s brains and Annabelle’s womanly ability to craft stuff, they decided to make a raft out of ship wreckage! Seeing as Peldu had nothing to offer, he went to search for wood. On land he got a couple usable planks, he decided to go underwater to get some more. Urth thought this to be a dreadful idea, but sarcastically urged him to proceed, not thinking that if the barbarian should perish it might end badly for himself too. Like it or not, they were in this together.

After some underwater smashing, Peldu came up for air with 2 more planks of wood. Urth was impatient with how slow this task was, but also didn’t want to lend a hand. He opted to make a really lame raft with 4 planks of wood, and his spider-silk rope. It looked worse than it sounded, and everyone knew at that moment that Urth didn’t have the “know-how”, Annbelle was quite atrocious at crafting and Tim had “shit-for-brains”. Nevertheless, they decided to use the garbage pile as a flotation device. Annabelle and Peldu sat on top, where as Tim and Urth held on and kicked to make the thing propel. This was necessary because it could barely hold the two smallest members and no one thought to make oars.

While watching this pathetic attempt to be clever, I noticed some kind of serpent swimming around them. None of the sailors (if you could call them that) noticed. Annabelle and Peldu were too busy having a romantic boat ride, fully equipped with two gondoliers. One thing was quite clear, they would have been much faster if they just swam, and kicking and splashing around, like they were, was creating quite a commotion. As the hydra (5 headed gargantuan sea monster) circled around them, I started to write the ending to my journal to prepare their tales for sale.

I personally thought they went through all the raft building efforts to cross the subterranean sea, but instead they just wanted to bypass the earth elemental and climb up to the cave. First Annabelle scaled the cliff with ease. Then Peldu went up, but of course he fell down, crashing into the raft, smashing it into pieces and splashing into the water. He started to drown but Urth and Tim saved him, again.

After feeling quite rejuvenated, Cavanaugh returned to land to find his friends gone. After a little observation he spotted them splashing and crashing about in the sea. It looked like they were having a splash fight, maybe playing torpedo your balls. It looked fun at any rate. Cavanaugh observed his friends from an outside perspective and for the first time he realized how, “downright retarded,” they all were.

Next, Tim tried to climb the rope but it was impossible. (We’ve all seen the fat kid in gym class). Finally, Urth helped Peldu up, then went up himself. It took the combined efforts of everyone to pull up the gnome, who was wider than he was tall! Cavanaugh saw an easier way, by scaling the cliff, and met them at this cave they were having trouble getting to. While climbing Cavanaugh’s hand got stuck like Peldu’s. He scratched at it with his flute/dagger but was not able to scratch himself free. Also like Peldu, the earth elemental punched him in the face knocking him into the water. And one more time, like Peldu he was a few hit points away from death! He tried to swim over to them, but suddenly his body was caught on something. He tried to use his hands to free himself (thinking it was algae) but there was nothing there. Finally, the thing pulled him under and his lungs started to take in water! He mightily tried to break free, but to no avail. He was running out of options and air. He had to think of something fast! If only Cavanaugh was present for the two elementals when the party fell for it the first time, then everyone wouldn’t have to read about it twice.

Tim was at the lip of the cave when one of the hydra heads swopped in to eat a tasty, gnome dinner. Tim used his mage-shield to protect himself from the attack. This act saved him once again. Once Tim got to his feet he did the smart thing, he ran away deep into the cave! Urth stayed back, goading the beast constantly until each member of their team was safe. The beast snapped at him once or twice, but missed its intended target. Annabelle, loving to kill things, collaborated with Urth on a plan to try and out-smart the beast. Tim and Peldu knew better, and would have nothing to do with such a foolish act. Urth ran up to its head and did a mighty swing with his mace. Annabelle was a little less brave and threw stuff at it from afar. After getting damaged, the four other heads joined the fight! Each one snapped at Urth, while only one head connected with a single attack almost killed the cleric. If all heads hadn’t missed their mark he would have been fish food… or snake food… monster food… who knows – he would be gone!

Realizing their mistake, the two fled back into the cave, ready for sleep even more so than they were upon first entering Sodomorea. On the other side of the cave in the far off distance, they saw what they had looked forward to for a long time. It was an opening leading out! Out of the Underdark and into the sun again! The only problem was that there was a large gnoll (half hyena, half man) encampment standing in their way. Now they really needed to rest as no one had any more heals or spells, except Tim, who had one spell left.

Behind them stood an angry hydra, and in front of them was what they estimated to be (with all the patrols) about 100 or so gnolls standing between them and their freedom. So, Tim setup his magic-hut spell and they decided to camp in the gnolls backyard in plain sight! Cavanaugh desperately wanted to rejoin his friends, but the hydra blocked his access to them. He attempted to swim/sneak past the thing, but it didn’t work because that is a totally made-up, fairy tale thing. The great hydra was advancing upon the lonely Cavanaugh as he used his exceptional dog-paddle technique to escape. But the hydra had an aquatic technique of his own, it was called “real swimming”, and he used this move to gain on the frantic bard-monk who was leaving a trail of urine in his wake. The hydra was about to make sushi out Cavanaugh when he felt a hand upon his shoulder, and with a simple heave, Cavanaugh was jolted out of the water and face-to-face with a hero of some sort… or at least someone who looked like one anyhow. He wasn’t sure exactly, as it was his first time seeing one.

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We has plans now?
For realz?

The party double backed toward the half destroyed merchant district. They were having a difficult time finding a store that would have climbing supplies, such as rope, due to all the fires and all. Finally, Peldu noticed a shop that had mining equipment, the only problem was that it was currently being looted. “If you can’t beat them, join them,” was their logic as they began to break and steal stuff. Peldu decided to stay outside for no reason at all. While inside, Urth noticed a long piece of rope coiled up neatly. The other looters took notice when he sprang for it. They too made a break for the item, as they felt that it must be valuable (this happens daily at Wal-Mart). Urth smashed the looters hand breaking more than a few bones. These looters were not seasoned warriors and they ran out of the establishment and fought back the only way they knew how, like cowards. The butt-hurt looters threw a Molotov cocktail at the building causing it to go up in flames – like so many other building in the area. All the heroes fled the building, except Urth who knew he needed to find more climbing gear or his days were numbered, or stay inside and his days were a number, 1. Every moment he lingered he took fire damage and risked death. Outside, Annabelle decided to slaughter all the looters without any hesitation or remorse, while Cavanaugh watched. Tim decided to help the brave cleric of Umberlee by casting frost spells upon the blaze to reduce the fire damage he was taking inside. Finally, Urth found what he was looking for, a grappling hook, climbing claws and shoes! His heroism sure paid off and he leaped out of the blaze in slow motion taking minor burn damage.

Peldu the pyromaniac, was bored and decided to start his own fire upon the corpses Annabelle had made. He pulled out his flint and steel, but the bloody corpses just weren’t lighting on fire! He struggled and struggled but it was no use. If only there was something close by, maybe right next to him that would help him start a fire, maybe a GIANT BURNING BUILDING???!?!?!?!? Come on man! Or maybe “PUT THE CORPSE INSIDE THE BURNING FIRE!!”
The party jaunted back in the direction of the climbing obstacle at the dam. Peldu decided to give up on his fire and decided to get some loot of his own and jumped inside the blaze! Only this time without Tim cooling it down, because he left.

On their way back, the party (minus the self destructive barbarian) noticed the barkeep from before pointing them out to a couple of thugs, who approached rapidly. The thugs demanded more gems, in fact ALL of their gems. This was not a suitable deal for them, so Urth decided to murder the thugs and waste more valuable spell slots. Inside the burning building, Peldu kept taking more and more fire damage as the building burned out of control, almost every items inside was turning to ash right before his eyes. Luckily, it was not all for not as Peldu found a lock-box! After a couple of rounds, while his body was burning, Peldu vigorously tried to pick the lock-box. He finally opened the darn thing, and not a second too soon as his life had just about ran out! Unfortunately for him inside was a large bag of powder explosives. The last place you want to be in is a fire while holding EXPLOSIVES! Peldu jumped through a window and took a little glass damage, instead of the 100+ boom-boom damage.

Peldu caught up with his friends about the time they were cleaning their weapons from the thugs that just got dead. Peldu tried to swoop in and loot wondrous treasures off the thugs, but to no avail (If they had treasure they wouldn’t have needed to fight you guys over a silly little gem). Now they were off to the great task at hand, climbing the slippery dam. Urth tried to tie his spider-silk rope to Cavanaugh’s magic rope and shoot it in the air, but for some-odd reason it didn’t work. Finally the bard-monk had an idea, he put the little tiny crown he had got from the rope-master upon Urth’s big head, and handed him the parchment of victory. And for reasons only known to science, it worked, kinda. Urth found that he had to hold on to the magic rope and would still have to climb a little. While using the climbing claws and shoes, grappling hook and magic rope, Urth was off. He attached more rope to the ends as to create safe passage for his comrades. About ¾ of the way up he noticed a small band of cultist’s doing some sort of ritual on the side of the dam. It was the same side Tim “tried” to swim over to hours before. He gathered that they were maybe, sorta, probably going to blow up the dam. But he was almost on the top of the thing, and… it is a long climb down, and… well, he ignored it and kept on climbing. Once he got to the top he saw a vast subterranean ocean! For once in the Underdark he felt as peace, he felt Umberlee’s presence breathing on his face as the humidity touched his skin. This was surely her domain, a sacred place.

Urth searched for something to anchor his line to, and the only option was part of a ship-wreck. He climbed in the water and proceeded to pull up his friends. Umberlee blessed him as one foot stood in the waking waves. Without Umberlee’s blessing this task would be impossible as he was feeling quite exhausted from missing the surface sky, and the kiss of the sun. The true curse of the Underdark was in fact, all the dark. One by one they climbed on top of the huge dam that was probably, maybe, sorta, soon to blow up at any minute! Each person did notice the band of cultists below but none of them wanted to bother them, that is until they all reached the top and realized their mistake. “Maybe being on top of this thing when it blows might not be a great idea”.

Annabelle thought about using ranged weapons from on top of the dam, but this idea was dumb for every reason possible. So they settled on trying to find a place to sleep instead. Peldu was again almost about to perish due to burning himself alive. Tim also was close to death by offering himself up as fish food. The rest of the party were badly injured due to their unnecessary brawl with the gem-thugs. But, isn’t there multiple inns in town below? Yeah, well, that WAS a long way down (unless the dam blows, then it is a fast way down).

Why was it so important to go up here anyway? There were other exits out of town, other places in town that haven’t been discovered yet. No one even questioned what apocalypse cult it was. Were they referring to the same “end of days” they have heard before, over and over again? Does it have anything to do with the migrating kobolds? Or maybe the whereabouts of the missing city of Baulder’s Gate? And why does Tim keep bleeding? These, and many other questions will not be answered in the next chapter, “No Bard left Behind.”

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Spring Break in Sodomorea

The party found themselves at the grand entrance of the old city of Sodomorea. Music and screams plagued their ears as they approached. Upon entering this city they realized that the river not only ran throughout the city, but was a major focal point within’ the city’s structure. The river filled the canals separating each district, and restricted each district by a single bridge leading across each sector. The whole city was experiencing a special brand of havoc, seeing as there was a tremendous amount of looting, rioters, public nudity, and anything nefarious one would expect at the Rodney King verdict.

Peldu was determined to figure out the mystery of this foul city-scape, so he grabbed the next person who came by him for the purpose of strong-arming him for information. The problem with this was that the person he grabbed was not above hurting a stranger who got in his way. And that is what he did. He instantly stabbed the barbarian multiple times in the gut, leaving him close to death’s door, but luckily for Peldu, Death was not home at the moment. Suffice to say, Peldu got his question answered with a big “FUCK YOU”. Instead of going the safe route through the mushroom crops that seemed to be unoccupied by destruction, the party opted to “blend in”. Cavanaugh was already nude, so this plan wasn’t such a long shot. They ran past a group of people whipping a brute of a man, who then grabbed hold of the whip and started to retaliate against his assailants. They walked past many similar incidences that would make a lawful character stop and help, but these were not lawful people. They seemed to fit right in at Sodomorea! Did they find home?

They managed to get to the other side of the merchant district without any trouble, and they found the stream splintered off and lead out of town to the west. They opted to continue over the bridge to the residential district. While on the bridge, Cavanaugh (the most attractive one of the bunch) was approached by a topless lady, who was a solid Underdark 8 by anyone’s standards (which is the same as a surface girl 4). She propositioned the bard for an intimate night to celebrate the “end of days”. He turned her down flat, as he would rather have felt his own touch than that of a women who wouldn’t know the first thing about “how he liked it”. Insulted, the woman slapped the bard across the face and found another prospect down the road. Side note: They fell in love for one night that was so filled with passion that even Sune, the God of love watched and marveled!

Down the road they were approached by some brutes that were protecting the district after being privately contracted to do so. It was clear this town was void of any laws, or law enforcers. And these guardians were the only thing keeping the looters out. The party paid off the rent-a-brutes with gold, and gained entry to a local bar that was still standing. This seedy establishment was not even close to occupancy, but the party took a table and sot out information. Peldu who was very close to death wouldn’t stop uttering the word “bed”, as to indicate where he wished he was. Everyone ignored his request until Urth could “stands it no more”, and popped a heal on the poor bastard just to shut him up. After dropping more than a few coin, they found that a cult of some sort came into town a month or so ago with tales of the Apocalypse and first rid the town of all opposition. After hearing the news, Urth was concerned that it might be the same cult of doppelganger-mees, and he didn’t want to get spotted. (It was a devil cult btw, totally different). Urth dropped a precious gem on the table and asked the female barkeep to acquire him a cloak, and I mean fast!

The barkeep took the rare gem and spoke with a slender and somewhat shady looking figure in the corner of the establishment. After a suspicious nod, the shady figure stood up, and walked over to a patron drinking alone. The slim-shady figure slit the patrons neck, killing him instantly. He then removed the cloak from the corpse and handed it over to the barkeep. Everyone surely noticed this unfortunate occurrence, although they didn’t seem phased by it. Urth happily took the cloak and rushed the party outside, back into the chaos. There were plenty of inns where they could get their barrings, but Urth didn’t wish to stay in this wretched town any longer than absolutely necessary. They decided to scout around town some more and they arrived at the huge dam located on the north side of the town. Annabelle decided to climb the dam cliff, but it was covered in algae and she slipped and hurt her tuckas!

Tim had the great idea to swim across the canal, which was being fed from the bottom of the dam. He wanted to scout out the other district, so he took some rope and tied it around him. Why did they pick the Mage with the lowest armor and hit points? Well, he is fat, and he does float very easily…. oh right, the water breathing potion didn’t wear off yet. Tim jumped right in the canal and noticed that the water was quite freezing and hypothermia was imminent. That is, if the baby hydras didn’t eat him first! Tim tried to out swim the eel-looking younglings. He didn’t give up though, he swam like a fat piece of bait and they bit like he was a fat piece of bait! He was about to reach the other side, when his body turned motionless as he ran out of life. The rest of his friends reeled in the fat piece of bait, and again the baby hydras started to chew him up; again like a fat piece of bait! He almost died forever, but was saved by his swol companions. They gained no insight or information for this great swim, and if they only walked around to the bridge they would have saved a lot of time and energy. Tim now knew that, damn it, he tastes good. It was a question he had always had, but auto-cannibalism gave him the heebie-jeebies. So, their next task was apparent – get to a general store, and possibly get some Mardi Gras beads!

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The Mystery of the Great Kobold Migration
Take two

The party was met with a dilemma – ask the 30 some-odd kobolds about their great migration, or attack them for the mass amount of experience the low-level beasties would yield. (What do you think they did?) Cavanaugh threw a bangerang at a kobold and killed him with a one-shot. Annabelle was next to act and instead of helping anyone out, she ran away and just sat there wasting her action without using any of her plethora of ranged weapons: 6 daggers, 1 longbow, 2 hand crossbows tied to her belt, merely inches from her fingertips. (She wouldn’t want to draw any fire away from the party).

Next the kobolds ran up on the party. Urth managed to crack one over the head killing it outright, as his protective stance proved to be useful. Which was quite the opposite of Annabelle’s stance of doing absolutely nothing. Once a kobold was next to each of the party members (except Annabelle) the poorly equipped vermin decided to throw rocks, and debris at them while gaining advantage. Cavanaugh did some impressive kicks and punches, feeling great about murdering these child-sized beasts. The kobolds were weak, but they were many. After 30 some-odd attacks, the party was looking quite tired (even though they just napped for 8-hours). Tim felt no remorse about his next action, which involved a fireball blast that ended up burning 24 kobolds alive in a huge blaze of glory. Even God didn’t have a mage hand big enough to put out that fire.

Once most of the threat was screaming in pain, Annabelle decided to join the fight, only to then retreat again. A couple swings and stabs later they were down to one kobold who was fleeing for his life. They murdered him in the back like a coward… or woman. As the blaze continued, the party was getting quite hungry, specifically for BBQ. Annabelle had the gall to ask if there was any loot of value, either A: burning in the great fire, or on any of the peasants who were fighting with sticks and rocks. They went back and forth on how to get past the rest of the migrating kobolds. Finally, Urth decided that he was going to plow through them and run perpendicular to their route. Once they reached the path, however, they noticed that the kobolds had already moved on to the west, as they saw their torches up ahead. They didn’t want to follow the kobolds as they figured they must be going toward a dragon, and who in the hell wants a dragon’s horde of loot? Nobody that is who! They also didn’t want to go the way the kobolds came from because… just because okay? It seemed the band of kobolds were there just to make sure the party wasn’t going to do anything to disrupt their migration. So, the mystery of the great kobold migration will stay a mystery for a little while longer, as the party took no interest in this historic event that would change the events of our lives in the near future.

They continued to follow the stream, and about 12 seconds later they heard some horrible screams from many monsters that came for the BBQ but stayed for the campfire! The group found a sign in many languages, most of which were crossed off. Tim used his “read language” spell and he realized they all said the same thing, “Sodomorea —>” They continued following the sign, when the party heard a strange sound and it was coming from within their group. It was the sound twap, twap, twap. Finally Annabelle realized it was Cavanaugh’s manhood flapping against his naked body, this realization was the tipping point that lead to her to a lifetime of lesbianism.

No one was perceptive enough to notice the slow construct of Devon’s design that surprise slashed at them with the battlecry “Where is my 2 dollars!?!” The greedy party wanted to keep the money they stole from the sex-cult. So, instead of emptying their pockets they decided to fight the thing… tooooo the death… until someone died… permanently! It put a hunters mark upon Annabelle who was carrying the majority of the stolen goods. There were many people in the way of his objective and each had at least one coin upon their belongings. Urth used a spell slot and used shatter upon the beast which was quite effective. Annabelle ran around like a chick with her head cutoff (as usual). The stone guardian bashed Cavanaugh causing him to drop to the ground, bleeding out. The guardian then hit Peldu so hard that his clothes went out of style. (Wait were they ever in style?) He also dropped to the ground in a near death experience. Urth healed his fallen friend, Cavanaugh. The party was really getting banged up, but in the end they turned that stone-statue guy into a stone rock-pile, dead guy.

Meanwhile, back on the ranch, Devon sat as his magical amulet (the party could have looted if they killed him) faded from its glowing aura. “Damn that thing!”, he scoffed. Devon went up his stairs to the large pentagram shaped room above. Inside he found a particularly hungry demon that was MUCH stronger than any of the guardians he sent to retrieve his stolen loot. “Fly my pretty!”, he commanded as he let loose the winged beast. Given that Devon now knew their exact location, and knowing the speed the demon could fly, he estimated the party would be dead in about 9 hours. Tick-tock, people.

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This Encounter Bugs the Crap out of Me
Not that I am full of crap...

Instead of gaining the spell “fly” Tim the apprentice choose to learn a magical hut that allows him and his friends safe slumbers inside their cramped 10’ X 10’ tent. Without a way to exit the Underdark (again) the party was stultified in regards to how to proceed. Maybe backtrack to the spiders? No. Maybe go all the way back to the rope master? No. How about going back to Urthtopia for help only a day or so after they left (28 days earlier than they promised)? No. They finally settled on going back to the river and following it upstream. Everyone loves water right?

On their way they noticed a small creature standing next to a larger mechanical one. They made it quite clear they they were not interested in conversing with the thing and moved around it at a safe distance. While passing it, Tim noticed it was a gnome and his mech-suit, and he and Annabelle both wanted to investigate… after the fact. As they suspiciously doubled back, the creature stopped cleaning his vessel and jumped inside it and prepared for battle. Tim spoke with him in a surface-gnomish dialect that the ground gnome found borderline offensive. Tim simply wanted to gain free information from him, like directions to the surface and that information almost cost them all their lives as the gnome was getting quite tired of their line of questioning. He felt strongly against anything that allowed his flesh to burn from the harmful rays of the great fireball in the sky. Tim cleverly (cough) asked if the gnome “wanted to get deeper in the Underdark” which way would he go, thinking his reverse psychology would go unnoticed. The gnome pointed down, and Tim was outsmarted yet again. Cavanaugh spoke to him in goblin which made him rage inside and put his hand over the “missile button” inside his mech-suit. Finally, they realized that this was a huge waste of time for everyone involved and they bid the gnome farewell, after Peldu noticed the war symbols on the suit. The mech-gnome sent out a drone to follow the party and broadcast their location to his war party for possible extermination. Maybe next time they won’t approach a battle gnome in a hostile manor.

The party skipped rocks as they went upstream, until they heard the sounds of pitter-patter feet up ahead. They scouted up ahead to reveal that their path was being blocked by a seemingly endless stream of kobolds migrating. The party did the most logical thing – wait 1 hour… wait 2 hours… wait 3 hours… wait 4 hours…. Holy crap, that was a lot of kobold! Finally, they said “fuck it” and setup their magical hut and rested for 8 more hours. The awoke feeling quite itchy and scratchy. They were covered in bugs!!!

“Wait, I call bullshit,” Tim said, “This is a magical hut, no bugs can come in”. Then it was explained to them that the night imp had placed eggs upon their worldly possessions last time they rested and found their stuff in a big pile. Too bad they were too busy to even check.

Every member was covered in crustacean-like bugs that were swarming. Annabelle cast “dancing light” hoping to trick the bugs and GM into thinking it was the poor man’s “minor illusion” spell (in hopes to mesmerize the critters into going towards the light). Tim ran toward the water as they were biting him. Annabelle was quick to follow! Urth, on the other hand, had an idea. He used “thunderwave” to push the bugs off himself and Peldu. Unfortunately, he pushed Cavanaugh off the bugs. Both bug and human alike took damage from the attack (except Tim and Annabelle, who were out of range playing in the river). Cavanaugh tried to help by using mage hand to carry a “potion of water breathing” a couple feet away from Tim. Tim used his nature skills to figure out that (without the potion) if he went underwater long enough, the bugs would drown at about the same time he would. That didn’t stop him from doing it anyway… forgetting about the potion that was literally handed to him. While Tim was attempting suicide, Cavanaugh took off his enchanted robe of acid resistance and set it on fire to alert all things in the Underdark upon their location and in the hopes that the bugs were fucking morons and were attracted to killing themselves as much as Tim was. Their brains were the size of a pea, but they still weren’t that dumb. After one more spell slot used, the 2nd thunderwave killed 2 of the swarms. “Mage hand” was used again to try and waste an action, along with put out the fire. Annabelle was facing her own fears attacking her swarm. Urth came to her rescue with a swing of his mace and smashed the swarm.

Tim was successfully drowning himself and the bugs when Cavanaugh took it upon himself to go underwater and force feed Tim the potion of water breathing. And the final swarm did drown a minute later. The party again forgot to check their equipment for more eggs because they were met by a small band (or large platoon) of kobolds!

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I Challenge Thee, to Thine Duel
motherfruity

Peldu was very close to leveling up and gaining new abilities. Instead of finding a couple of rodents to farm, he challenged Cavanaugh (who was also close to leveling) to a duel. The both agreed to the terms and the fight ensued! Cavanaugh made some distance between himself and Peldu and proceeded to kite him around like Benjamin Franklin, throwing his bangerang with great precision. Peldu didn’t want to throw his only ranged weapon, Britney, until of course he did, after not being able to hit the bard-monk. He uttered, “You drive me crazy”. He hit the monk for good damage, but that was all he had. Instead of running up, picking back up his trusty spear, and continuing to throw the thing (rinse and repeat), he gave up on the range game and just kept running after the sly opponent like a chicken with its head cut off.

Finally, Cavanaugh missed with the bangerang which caused it to go off into the distance… Now a HONEY BADGER was in the mix! Popping out of its hole, causing ½ a damage to Peldu, then back to burrowing underground. This continued round after round. Peldu would get close enough to the bard-monk, but was left without action in order to attack. Then it happened again… the bangerang missed again, and again went off into the distance. But this time a GIANT SNAKE (snake, oh, it’s a snake) came into the mix, spitting poison at Peldu! It was a little sad that the snake’s acid damage was producing more pain to the barbarian than Cavanaugh had done with his bangerang.

Finally Peldu could stands it no more and started to attack the snake. They went toe to toe for a couple of rounds, and soon it met its end. Annabelle cheered and gave advice as to what each of them “should” be doing. Many times they took a moment to check the rules on duels, just to make sure someone wasn’t “cheating”. Back to running around after Cavanaugh was the most logical solution for Peldu. It was like watching Benny Hill, but in slow motion and without the TNA. (In other words, a total waste of time.) Peldu couldn’t really catch the bard-monk, but every 3rd turn he would get close enough for one stab, then it would be back to chasing-town. (If only he looted the dryad instead of the spider, and got its enchanted bow).

Then one last miss from the bangerang brought about a very slow MUSHROOM to the mix! But before it could do anything cool, Cavanugh cast a sleep spell causing Peldu to slink down on the floor and proceed to suckle on his thumb (awww). He did look cute, but not cute enough to stop Cavanaugh from slitting his throat!!! Don’t worry guys, he healed the sleeping-dead friend afterward and they both had a laugh, and a level. The real reward was all the bragging rights that Cavanaugh had and vowed to remind Peldu on a daily basis or, “God shall punish me if I shall forget!”

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